A while back, I mentioned to Jeron in an e-mail that I have an interest in missions. My favorite Christian singer is Twila Paris because of the missions focus in her songs. As an Evangelical Christian in my early twenties, I really, really wanted to be a missionary. When I joined the Catholic Church, that desire kind of went "underground", in part, I think, because I had so much to learn about the Faith, my worldview was going through a massive upheaval, and my sexual issues became more intense. My latent desire to be a missionary has recently come back in full force, as you can probably tell from my blog. I want to discuss all of this, but in multiple posts. I'll start with the sexual issue.
After joining the Church, even with having access to the sacraments, I became less chaste than when I was an Evangelical. Sex became a major preoccupation, as well as the fact of my "being" a homosexual. As a Catholic, I was no longer sure of what it meant to be "gay" and a Christian. I had more sexual encounters after joining the Church than I did before. Well, that's not quite true: the rate of sexual encounters increased, not the number. I worried about this because I know that any type of sexual activity outside of the marriage bed is mortally sinful. My susceptibility to this sin preyed on my mind, and during quiet moments, sex would always come to my mind. With sex always on my mind, masturbation became a daily habit. Only in the last few weeks have I noticed less of a preoccupation with sex, and I'm working to end the daily habit.
As an Evangelical, I was convinced I had to change my sexual orientation. Back in 2001, I got involved with Exodus International, which seems to, well, let's put this charitably, mistrust celibate homosexuals (more information on this here at Disputed Mutability—a great blog, by the way). I contacted a local Exodus affiliate and went through a six month program called Living Waters. This was followed up by an "aftercare" group (we actually called it AfterC.A.R.E.; I forget what the acronym stands for). This group met weekly for accountability, prayer, and encouragement. I made great friends in AfterC.A.R.E., but was worried because I could never detect the slightest changes in my sexual orientation; I thought I'd never be able to get my life right with God, which meant, remember, that I would come to have a predominantly heterosexual attraction. Before I go any further, I want to make it a matter of record that I firmly believe that some homosexually inclined people can change their sexual orientation. Some of my friends were helped immensely by Living Waters and AfterC.A.R.E. I do disagree with those who claim all homosexuals can change their orientation. Practical experience dictates that not every one can.
During this time period, I was in a state of what I call theological flux. In late '99 I left the charismatic church I'd been attending since December of '96. I didn't go to church for most of 2000, but in early 2001 began attending an Evangelical Southern Baptist church. I wasn't really Baptist at this point, but I needed some stable place to rest. I'd left the charismatic church because, while that specific, local church taught only a mild heresy, the pastors publicly supported people who taught grave heresies. Many of these "graver heretics" are popular in charismatic and Pentecostal circles, so I wanted nothing to do with these types of churches. To make a long story short, on Thursday, May 1, 2003 at 2:43pm, after years of trying to learn the truth about God and the Bible, I was convinced the Catholic Church had it. I joined RCIA that September and was received into the Church at the Easter Vigil in 2004. Coming from an Evangelical background into the Catholic Church can be a little "disorienting". There's a major worldview shift involved. Learning a whole new way of looking at the Bible and the Church can be confusing itself without also having to deal with the Church's view of one's homosexual inclination. Since I am convinced that the Catholic Church has the Truth about God and the Bible, I fully accept Her teaching on sexuality. Okay, one must be chaste, but one doesn't have to become straight. What does being "not straight" look like in every day life? My hetero friends will sometimes comment on a women's beauty when we walk by a beautiful woman at the mall. Can I make similar remarks about a good-looking guy? If my behavior is on the flamboyant side, must I become more "straight-acting"? There are many such questions to be addressed as a Catholic. Thanks be to God for COURAGE and its conferences! You can learn a lot from the talks, but also just from being around others who have dealt with the same issues you do. I'm still assimilating some of the lessons I learned from this year's conference (my first) and am looking forward to next year's.
After joining the Church, even with having access to the sacraments, I became less chaste than when I was an Evangelical. Sex became a major preoccupation, as well as the fact of my "being" a homosexual. As a Catholic, I was no longer sure of what it meant to be "gay" and a Christian. I had more sexual encounters after joining the Church than I did before. Well, that's not quite true: the rate of sexual encounters increased, not the number. I worried about this because I know that any type of sexual activity outside of the marriage bed is mortally sinful. My susceptibility to this sin preyed on my mind, and during quiet moments, sex would always come to my mind. With sex always on my mind, masturbation became a daily habit. Only in the last few weeks have I noticed less of a preoccupation with sex, and I'm working to end the daily habit.
As an Evangelical, I was convinced I had to change my sexual orientation. Back in 2001, I got involved with Exodus International, which seems to, well, let's put this charitably, mistrust celibate homosexuals (more information on this here at Disputed Mutability—a great blog, by the way). I contacted a local Exodus affiliate and went through a six month program called Living Waters. This was followed up by an "aftercare" group (we actually called it AfterC.A.R.E.; I forget what the acronym stands for). This group met weekly for accountability, prayer, and encouragement. I made great friends in AfterC.A.R.E., but was worried because I could never detect the slightest changes in my sexual orientation; I thought I'd never be able to get my life right with God, which meant, remember, that I would come to have a predominantly heterosexual attraction. Before I go any further, I want to make it a matter of record that I firmly believe that some homosexually inclined people can change their sexual orientation. Some of my friends were helped immensely by Living Waters and AfterC.A.R.E. I do disagree with those who claim all homosexuals can change their orientation. Practical experience dictates that not every one can.
During this time period, I was in a state of what I call theological flux. In late '99 I left the charismatic church I'd been attending since December of '96. I didn't go to church for most of 2000, but in early 2001 began attending an Evangelical Southern Baptist church. I wasn't really Baptist at this point, but I needed some stable place to rest. I'd left the charismatic church because, while that specific, local church taught only a mild heresy, the pastors publicly supported people who taught grave heresies. Many of these "graver heretics" are popular in charismatic and Pentecostal circles, so I wanted nothing to do with these types of churches. To make a long story short, on Thursday, May 1, 2003 at 2:43pm, after years of trying to learn the truth about God and the Bible, I was convinced the Catholic Church had it. I joined RCIA that September and was received into the Church at the Easter Vigil in 2004. Coming from an Evangelical background into the Catholic Church can be a little "disorienting". There's a major worldview shift involved. Learning a whole new way of looking at the Bible and the Church can be confusing itself without also having to deal with the Church's view of one's homosexual inclination. Since I am convinced that the Catholic Church has the Truth about God and the Bible, I fully accept Her teaching on sexuality. Okay, one must be chaste, but one doesn't have to become straight. What does being "not straight" look like in every day life? My hetero friends will sometimes comment on a women's beauty when we walk by a beautiful woman at the mall. Can I make similar remarks about a good-looking guy? If my behavior is on the flamboyant side, must I become more "straight-acting"? There are many such questions to be addressed as a Catholic. Thanks be to God for COURAGE and its conferences! You can learn a lot from the talks, but also just from being around others who have dealt with the same issues you do. I'm still assimilating some of the lessons I learned from this year's conference (my first) and am looking forward to next year's.
4 comments:
Thank you for being so direct, and thank you for being such a WITNESS!
Recently in Confession the priest told me that the sins of the flesh (sex, addictions, food, etc) are the most difficult to overcome, but they are especially with regard to sexual issues - for everyone.
I'll be the first to admit...it's hard to be chaste in this over-sexed world. I do not suffer the same problem as you do, but that's not to say I don't also suffer similar temptations in accordance with my own situation. None of us could declare something different.
Oh, and by the way....you ARE a missionary!
Let me know if you need for me to explain. Especially if you need to be able to link it to Vatican II. :-)
Thank you for your kind encouragement. I agree: sexual temptations are the hardest to overcome. I've heard people on the radio who were addicted to hard drugs and also had sexual addictions speak about this. They say giving up the drugs was child's play compared to giving up the sexual addiction. Thanks be to God "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"! (Philippians 4:13 TMB)
Hey, bud! Happy Friday! I used to think that in order for me to be chaste, I had to give up my sense of humor (which is campy to say the least). I think a person can appreciate/engage in sarcastic/campy humor as long as it's not a temptation that'll lead you into acting out (and there are shades of this too numerous to discuss in the combox). So don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not a big femme, but I'm not the butchest thing on 2 legs, either. And that's ok. As for commenting on good-looking men who walk by: it depends on the intent of the comment. Is it lustful, like, "look at that rock-hard ass!" Or is it in sincere appreciation of the beauty of the PERSON? I can't help who I find attractive, but I can help how I respond to that person. Do I engage in "ogling" behavior? I try not to. If/when I catch myself going someplace mentally I know I shouldn't be, I immediately stop and thank God for creating someone so wonderfully beautiful - a reflection of His goodness - then I pray for that person as my brother in Christ, and let him go.
Hay Bro,
You hit the nail on the head, It seems I may be able to stop hooking up but the other, well much harder. Great post.
P.s. Can I get jeron's e-mail?
Steve
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