Fluff, I tell you! This post is pure fluff!

Terry Nelson over at Abbey-Roads 1 has a post called "Thanksgiving at the Gretels". It's about "dysfunctional fairytales." He inspired me to share a few of the stories I re-wrote for my nieces and nephew. Here's the first one.

Once there was little girl called Red Riding Hoodlum. In spite of her name, all the other kids at school thought she was a goody-two-shoes, but that was just her cover. Red, as her family called her, and her grandmother ran an underground arms smuggling racket. Red constantly made trips to her grandmother's house, taking her baskets of "goodies". Goodies, indeed! The baskets had false bottoms in them. "Why?" you ask. Because under the false bottom was the place they hid the weapons. "What kind of weapon would fit in a picnic-type basket?" you ask. Well, glass vials full of biogenic serums, silly. Don't you know anything? You see, Red and fam. lived on the edge of a forest right where the borders of the Seven Great Kingdoms met. (There were actually nine kingdoms altogether, but two of them were just mediocre.)

Now the kings of these kingdoms were all wealthy men who had great power and prestige and control. Sometimes, an evil witch would rebel against a king and threaten him. For example, she might say to a king, "Give me one million dollars, or I'll turn your oldest son into a frog!" If the king refused, the witch would get a serum from Red and her grandma (her grandma's name was Large Margo), inject it into the prince, (don't ask me about the logistics of this—I don't know how it happened, only that it happened), and the serum would re-write the prince's DNA turning him into a frog.

This went on for a few hundred years (Red and her grandma had a serum that would allow them to live for centuries. On a side note, while they were still figuring out the long-life formula, they gave one of their early tries to an old homeless man. It horribly disfigured him, and he ran away. Red and Margo had to hire the mercenary Gruff brothers to take care of him. They took care of him all right. Hungry troll, indeed!). As I said, this went on for a few hundred years, until one day the king of the smallest kingdom and his wife had a baby daughter. She learned how to speak in complete sentences by the age of six months, and had Ph.D.s in chemistry, biology, zoology, physics, and philosophy before her twenty-third year, and because of her great athletic abilities, had won Kingdombledon, the Tour de Seven Kingdoms, and the Kingdom Chase, too. Her name was Priscillaquareanimamacita, but people called her Fred for short.

Princess Fred loved science. She loved science so much, that she started a research institute when she was twenty-four. Fred invited all the brightest minds from all the surrounding Kingdoms to join it. It was a huge success and was called the Kingdoms' Institute for Scientific Studies. This gave it the acronym KISS. In its third year, Fred and her chemistry team found a way to reverse the DNA re-write. Kings brought their sons to the Princess's KISS to be cured. It was lovely and a good time was had by all (except for Red, Large Margo, and the witches. I don't know whatever happened to them).