This posting's title is Risk... because I'm taking one with this blog. I had another blog of which I made my family aware, and I'm not sure any of them ever read it. However, there are some things I want to write about that I don't want my family to know about. Therefore, I started this blog. In a way, I feel "safe" with this one, even though my name is all over it, because my family don't really read any blogs. It is highly unlikely that they'll find this one. But, there's still that risk.
One of the things I don't want my family to know about is my sexual activity. They all still think I'm a virgin. Would that that were true! Unfortunately, my first sexual encounter happened when I was 19, and I've had many since then (I'll be 33 in about a month). Indeed, I've been rather a slut, lately. I don't know how else to put it. It's true. My most recent one was the day before I left for the National COURAGE Conference! And, in spite of all the priests at the conference who were available to hear a confession at the drop of a hat, any hat, I didn't make a confession through the entire conference (neither did I receive Holy Communion at any of the daily Masses). This was partly due to the fact that I was planning on having sex with a guy I met online when I returned home. Happily I can say, by the grace of God, I've determined to not have sex with "Mr. Internet". I "cemented" that resolve in the confessional this past Saturday.
Chastity is difficult to maintain, especially when one doesn't have a chaste mind to begin with. How does one develop a chaste mind? I don't know. I'm trying to learn how, though. And if anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears! The comment boxes are open, or you can e-mail me (from the profile page). In a way, I think I've had some measure of success because lately, by the grace of God (isn't everything?), I've been able to stop sexual fantasies when they begin, "objectify" them, and re-route my thoughts onto other subjects. May this, by the grace of God, continue. One of the steps I'm taking is to pray the two following prayers every day, along with the Angelus. A few weeks ago, before I prayed these things, I'd say to God, "God, I don't really mean these prayers, right now, but I want to mean them. Please make them true of me."
First prayer:
Daily Offering to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
From the Raccolta #97.
One of the things I don't want my family to know about is my sexual activity. They all still think I'm a virgin. Would that that were true! Unfortunately, my first sexual encounter happened when I was 19, and I've had many since then (I'll be 33 in about a month). Indeed, I've been rather a slut, lately. I don't know how else to put it. It's true. My most recent one was the day before I left for the National COURAGE Conference! And, in spite of all the priests at the conference who were available to hear a confession at the drop of a hat, any hat, I didn't make a confession through the entire conference (neither did I receive Holy Communion at any of the daily Masses). This was partly due to the fact that I was planning on having sex with a guy I met online when I returned home. Happily I can say, by the grace of God, I've determined to not have sex with "Mr. Internet". I "cemented" that resolve in the confessional this past Saturday.
Chastity is difficult to maintain, especially when one doesn't have a chaste mind to begin with. How does one develop a chaste mind? I don't know. I'm trying to learn how, though. And if anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears! The comment boxes are open, or you can e-mail me (from the profile page). In a way, I think I've had some measure of success because lately, by the grace of God (isn't everything?), I've been able to stop sexual fantasies when they begin, "objectify" them, and re-route my thoughts onto other subjects. May this, by the grace of God, continue. One of the steps I'm taking is to pray the two following prayers every day, along with the Angelus. A few weeks ago, before I prayed these things, I'd say to God, "God, I don't really mean these prayers, right now, but I want to mean them. Please make them true of me."
First prayer:
Daily Offering to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
From the Raccolta #97.
Lord Jesus Christ, in union with that divine intention wherewith on earth Thou didst offer to God Thy praises through Thy Most Sacred Heart, and dost now offer them in the Sacrament of the Eucharist everywhere on earth even to the end of time, I most gladly offer Thee throughout this entire day, all my thoughts and intentions, all my affections and desires, all my words and deeds, in imitation of the most sacred Heart of the blessed and ever Virgin Mary Immaculate. Amen.
Second prayer:
Prayer to Saint Joseph for Purity
Favorite Prayers to St. Joseph, TAN Books and Publishing
O Guardian of virgins and holy Father Saint Joseph, into whose faithful keeping were entrusted Christ Jesus, Innocence itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, I pray and beseech thee by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart, and chaste body ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.
Second prayer:
Prayer to Saint Joseph for Purity
Favorite Prayers to St. Joseph, TAN Books and Publishing
O Guardian of virgins and holy Father Saint Joseph, into whose faithful keeping were entrusted Christ Jesus, Innocence itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, I pray and beseech thee by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart, and chaste body ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.
5 comments:
Huzzah! I, too, pray my Morning Offering while getting dressed. I like the prayer to St. Joseph. Coincidentally, I've been adding him to my litany (I have a litany of saints I pray to after the Morning Offering). When I came out of the lifestyle 3 years ago, my brother (a permanent deacon) gave me a single breviary. Praying the Divine Office has helped me IMMENSELY in my reformation. I also had the grace of being given a wonderful spiritual director; a Jesuit, who guided me through the Ignatian Exercises for a year. One of the big things in the Exercises is to focus on Christ, and to ask to know Him better, love Him more dearly, and follow Him wholeheartedly. If you don't have the desire to love Him, ask "to want to want" to love Him. Same goes for any particular virtue. Sounds like you're on the right track, brother!
Hay Bro I feel ya. I had a major fall on Monday after the conference! So don't feel so bad, this is a long process and it is in baby steps. I've started waring a rubberband on my arm. ( i keep losing them though) to snap everytime I have a thought or image that could lead to unchastity. I'll keep you posted in that one.
Woodrow:
I'm sorry to hear about your stumble and your during-conference plans. Sorry, but not surprised. I will admit that I thought I detected something at the conference, plus I noticed your sitting during Communion on Sunday. So I figured that not everything was peaches and cream with you.
This was why I tried (and succeeded; sorry, Jeron) to see you off personally and whispered in your ear what I did as we parted. In case you wanted to tell me something or just needed some encouragement.
I'm very glad that you're back on the right track with respect to this matter. Remember: Plan B; he has no Plan C; and every time you confess, you say "yes" to God.
Hey Woodrow! I really respect the honesty with which you tackle these issues. Great post.
Just last night I was reading St. Francis de Sales' classic Introduction to the Devout Life, and he had some interesting thoughts on dealing with temptation, particularly sexual temptation. I highly recommend you check it out -- even if you just flip straight to that part in a bookstore. (I thought the stories he mentions of all these great saints who had major struggles with temptation were interesting as well).
Also, the other day I heard Christopher West talking on the radio about dealing with sexual temptation. He said that a prayer that is helpful to many people is to throw yourself before God and pray, "Lord, untwist this lie" -- rather than trying to entirely suppress the thought, ask God to show you the truth that's at the root of the lie that the devil is putting before you.
Anyway, I have NO idea if this is something that might be helpful, but I thought I'd throw it out just in case!
Jeron - so many people have told me about the Ignatian Exercises that I'm going to have to do them. How does one go about that?
Steve - I have been falling over and over since the conference. I'm still being a slut! I hate that! Let me know how the rubber band thing goes. I also need to talk to my spiritual directer 'cause what we're doing so far isn't helping.
courageman - you are one of two people who noticed my behavior at the conference, and I'm glad you did. I'm glad we're able to stay in touch. Never be afraid to call me on the carpet.
Jennifer F. - "Lord, untwist this lie..." Thanks for making me aware of this prayer. I will pray it often. I'm sure I will have to pray it often! I read de Sales' Devout Life a couple of years ago, but don't remember the part about dealing with temptation. I'll have to give that another read.
Thanks, everyone, for reading and commenting. I appreciate your input.
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