Desire of the Everlasting Hills

What a movie! It moves me to pursue chastity ever more faithfully. Honestly, I don't do a very good job of that. I have slacked off terribly in recent years, and allowed lust to master me. One day I hope to be as faithful as Paul, Dan, and Rilene. May it be soon! May God have mercy on me, a sinner, and, through the intercession of St. Joseph the Betrothed, St. Joseph the All-Comely, St. Charles Lwanga, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Augustine of Hippo, and all the saints, may He grant me the grace to live a chaste and celibate life in peace and happiness. And do you, my reading public, also pray for me.

'Desire of the Everlasting Hills is a very well-made documentary, produced by Courage, about the lives of 3 people who experience sexual attractions towards their own sex, and who are seeking to live out Catholic Church teaching on homosexuality in obedience to Jesus Christ. They begin by telling of their early experiences of their sexuality, and tell how they began to live in their twenties and beyond. They discuss what their views on religion were, how they felt about God, their partners, etc. How they began to recognize that their lives were unfulfilling, and how they began to seek peace and answers to their questions in the Catholic Church. Each of them had experience with the Catholic Church, each left, and each came back to Her. Their stories are compelling, and certain of each of their experiences resonate with me. I want to write about this, but I don't have time right now. So let me provide the link, and encourage those who have not yet seen it to do so. It's a little over an hour, and can be viewed for free online.


Desire of the Everlasting Hills

Catholic & Homosexual

A great video from Michael Voris and RealCatholicTV!

Holy See statement on "sexual orientation".

This address was given by Archbishop Silvano M. Tomasi to the United Nations. It is a must-read!

Zenit reports it here.

It begins very well!

"The Holy See takes this opportunity to affirm the inherent dignity and worth of all human beings, and to condemn all violence that is targeted against people because of their sexual feelings and thoughts, or sexual behaviors. "

Indeed, this cannot be said too often!

The first point of the address discusses the meaning of the phrase sexual orientation, and points out that sexual orientation refers to attractions and feelings, not behavior. The Notes section following the address proper gives places where secular organizations define sexual orientation in this way. I've provided direct links here:

The UK's Equality and Human Rights Commission, "What does sexual orientation mean?"

PDF file of ABC of Women Workers' Rights and Gender Equality, second edition, page 167.

PDF file of Amnesty International's Crimes of Hate, Conspiracy of Silence: Torture and Ill-Treatment Based on Sexual Identity, from the preface on page 4 (unmarked, so the fourth page scrolling down).

PDF file of Asia Pacific Forum's "ACJ Report: Human Rights, Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity" (15th Annual Meeting, Bali, 3-5 August, 2010), page 8, discussed under "Terminology".

I was pleasantly surprised to see sexual orientation described this way by three respected and public organizations! We need more level-headed discussions of sexual orientation like this, discussions in which the subject is treated rationally instead of emotionally. A web site designed to help towards that goal is Bridges Across the Divide.


Archbishop Tomasi apparently includes homosexuality in the list of sexual behaviors the state can and should regulate:


"But states can, and must, regulate behaviors, including various sexual behaviors. Throughout the world, there is a consensus between societies that certain kinds of sexual behaviors must be forbidden by law. Pedophilia and incest are two examples."


I think on this point I disagree with the good archbishop and agree with C.S. Lewis, and hope the Church does, as well:


"I quite agree with you about Homosexuals: to make the thing criminal cures nothing and only creates a blackmailers' paradise.  Anyway, what business is it of the State?" (From a letter Lewis wrote to Delmar Banner, dated 27 May 1960, and quoted in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy, 1950 - 1963.)

The Young Turks tend to hold views with which I strongly disagree...

...but this video is certainly worth seeing, both because of the hilarious reasoning of "minister" Cindy Jacobs and the spot-on humorous response of the Young Turks hosts.

I don't have a problem with Cindy Jacobs preaching that homosexual acts are sinful, but I do have a problem with the fact that she's using stupid logic (Beebe, AK + Governor Mike Beebe + former Governor-turned-President-introducing-"Don't ask, don't tell" + repeal of "Don't ask, don't tell" = God's message by dying birds!), and the fact that if there are any people attending this "church" who experience homosexual attractions, they are not going to feel welcomed to share what they probably think of as a burden with the "pastors" or other "church" members because of the way in which she spoke during this talk.

When I used to attend Fundamental and Evangelical "churches", I rarely heard positive statements about persons who experienced same-sex attractions (I think I can recall two occasions in 23 years in which I heard statements of God's love for homosexuals. Also on both occasions, Christians were encouraged to love gay friends and relatives, even in spite of whether or not the gay friends were committing homosexual acts). I heard many stupid, homophobic,* and condemning statements, however. As a result, I wouldn't acknowledge that part of myself for many years, and to this day struggle with shame because of it.

I wish more Christian leaders would think before they speak!

*I mean literally homophobic. For example, an evangelist who preached at the Fundamental Baptist "church" I grew up in stated that he was afraid to let an obviously gay flight steward touch him lest he catch something. Puh-lease!

The Exodus International blog...

...has an entry by Randy Thomas about the suicides.

I don't know if I like or dislike Exodus. They're not the evil that many homo-activists make them out to be, but Exodus does seem, like many evangelicals, to view chaste homosexuals as something of a menace. I like Randy, however, and don't believe he views chaste homosexuals that way.

UPDATE: The Sheepcat left me a comment on Facebook linking to this article! We must read the same sites! (His full comment added to my original post on this issue here.)

I've been wanting to say something about the recent spate of gay teens committing suicide...

...especially regarding the reactions and what should be the reactions of those identifying themselves as Evangelicals. As usually happens with me, I found someone who said it better than I ever could have.

When Teen Suicide is a Mainstream Medium

H/t: ...as were some of you...


UPDATE: I also posted this on Facebook where the Ever-vigilant Sheepcat comments:


Woodrow, I like the italicized paragraph, which I imagine is what you agree with.

However, with respect, I think Marin (whose book attempts to justify gay sex) is setting himself up pretty disingenuously as a middle ground. I find his reading of Mohler tendentious. I don't see passing of the buck on Mohler's part. "Even long before [the Tylers and Ashers] may hear or respond to the gospel, they need to know that they are loved and cherished for who they are. They need to know that we stand between them and those who would harm them." That seems to me a pretty good statement.

And I thought Randy Thomas did well here too.http://blog.exodusinternational.org/2010/10/06/follow-up-reactions-to-tyler-clementi-and-the-september-suicides/

My thanks to Alan for the caution about Marin! My reply:

Alan, thanks for the info. on Marin. I placed too much trust in crosswalk.com, and didn't scrutinize him. However, I distrust Mohler and conservative Evangelicals generally to really speak against unjust discrimination against persons with SSA. I am reminded of the time when a few years ago the Southern Baptist Convention absolutely refused to speak out against the bullying of homosexuals*, presumably because they were afraid it would legitimize a sexually immoral lifestyle. Yeah, *now* Mohler is speaking out about the issue. What was he saying two, five, ten years ago? Nothing, as far as I can tell.

*The SBC would not say that gay-bashing was wrong, only that bashing anyone is wrong. I cannot document this because it was told me in a private conversation by a person who was a delegate to the SBC National Convention that year. (If anyone is interested, I will try to put you in contact with him in order to verify the accuracy of this claim.)

Yes, Virginia, there is...

...still a blogger at this site. One, however, who stays too busy to post very often!

I break my fast of posts with a link to a much better resource than my own humble* blog: Eve Tushnet's latest at Inside Catholic.

************************************************************************************
The rest of this post doesn't really have anything to do with the above link.
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One of the main reason's I started this blog was to publicly "talk through" what it means to be "gay" and Catholic. Much to my regret, I've never really used that blog for that purpose, however, partly because I didn't want to be too open about my thoughts and struggles as I learn how to deal with my same-sex attraction. As I've been sharing my story with other people, I've realized how powerful it can be to admit publicly, my sins, my need for accountability, the things that have helped me achieve the small victories I've won, etc.

I've also realized that my public speaking engagements, as well as the things I share with friends on Facebook, necessitate that I tell my family my full story. So far, they know only small parts of it. It's unthinkable that one of my Facebook friends should mention something about my unfortunately-not-yet-non-existant sex life to my parents and sisters who still believe I'm a virgin. Thry deserve to hear the truth from me, not from somebody who has heard me speak!

Perhaps, gentle readers, you will be so kind as to pray for the following:

1) that God will give me the courage to speak soon to my parents and siblings about this hidden (from them) part of my life;

2) that God will give me the grace to know what to say, how to say it, and that He will enable me to say it well, with charity^, grace, and humility;

3) that God will prepare their hearts to hear this shameful news that I have to tell them;

4) that somehow we will grow closer as a family, and that we will grow close as a Christian** family as a result of my openness with them.




*Humble, not as in the virtue of humility, but as in Merriam Webster's third definition of the word.

^I ask for charity because when I first outed myself to them, I didn't think about their feelings; my only concern was to unburden myself!

**We are all professing Christians, but some in my immediate family have separated themselves as far as they are able from all that would do them good. Pray for us!

"Gay rights advocates outraged..."*

Read the story, by the Associated Press, here.

The church** that performed this "exorcism" is just silly (a not uncommon phenomenon in Pentecostal and Protestant-Charismatic circles). So is the fact that the "pastor" (or, at least, the article states the "pastor") "denied the ritual was an exorcism, describing it instead as a casting out of spirits."

One wonders what she thinks the difference is between an exorcism and a "casting out of spirits."

Whether there was any real abuse involved I don't know, but it seems extremely unlikely. My guess is that the gay rights groups are upset because this group looks on homosexuality as--gasp!-- an abnormal condition.

And watch out for those evil priests who go around throwing holy water on inanimate objects!

Oy vey!

And for the record, I regret that here is yet another example of a Christian group misunderstanding the nature of, causes of, and correct means of healing of homosexual attractions.

*A direct quote of Dara Brown on msnbc.com.

**I use "church" here in a loose sense. The appropriate term is "ecclesial community", if I'm not mistaken.

And speaking of The Sheepcat...

Way back on Sunday, July 27th, I got to meet Alan live and in person at Lakeshore-St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church where he debated the Reverend Martha Daniels of Metropolitan Community Church Windsor on the topic of "[I]s homosexual practice 'contrary to the [G]ospel and inconsistent with a Christian lifestyle?'"

You can read about it at Alan's blog here and here.

I just want to add a few comments.

First, it was the most un-Presbyterian Presbyterian church I've ever been to, all seeker-sensitive and stuff (deplorable!), but the people, especially the pastor and his wife, were very good.

Second, it was great to meet Alan. I've enjoyed his blog ever since I first discovered it two years ago. He's as great a guy in person as you'd think from reading his blog. That was certainly the highlight of July.

Third, I also got to meet Dale and Heather Price of Dyspeptic Mutterings and Domestic Bliss Report, as well as the Price children, or, as CourageMan calls them, the Pricelets. Dale and Heather seem to be very fun people, and their children shocked me by actually eating food at the Mongolian BBQ. I cannot imagine my nieces and nephew being so not-picky! Dale also promised to remind CourageMan that I too live in the Detroit area when he (CM) visits them (Prices) this Christmas.

Fourth, the debate. Alan was stronger in the first debate than the second, but he was good in both. Here's a quote from his blog to demonstrate how good he was in the first:

"I can't resist recounting one anecdote: in the first debate Martha argued that homosexuality couldn't be against nature, as it had been documented in hundreds of animal species. Well, I responded, cannibalism is found in the animal kingdom, but we don't take that as a model of appropriate human behaviour. She didn't use that line of reasoning the second time."

I have to remember that one.

His limmerick at the end cracks me up! In both debates, he ended with it and then simply said "Martha?" as a way of handing it over to her. It's funny because this is how it went:

"Second Peter and Jude are akin
as they warn against libertine spin,
'Sodom's toast*, so beware
of the prophets who dare
to treat grace as a license to sin'...Martha?"

I'm not sure Martha liked being linked with the daring prophets.

You can get copies of both debates by contacting Lakeshore-St. Andrews. I don't know what the prices are. There's a free MP3 download of the first debate here.

*A contraction for "Sodom is".

The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction Conference...

...went very well on Friday and Saturday!

We had about 40 clergy on Friday and about the same number of laity on Saturday, including a few of my friends who came for moral support. I was very glad to see them.

I learned something about myself at the conference: I enjoy public speaking! And I seem to be good at it! Up till now, the only talent I knew I had was reading, which is kind of a useless skill in that one cannot really serve other people just by reading lots of books. Now I know I can do something else that can affect other people. Giving my testimony was fun, and I still can't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The best part was my opening on clergy day because I got to thank them for all they do for us. It was good to be able to be a blessing to them.




I would first like to thank His Excellency Bishop Boyea, Catholic Charities, and particularly Rory Hoipkemeier, for giving me this opportunity to share my story with you this afternoon.

While my primary purpose here is to share with you my testimony and some of what Courage has meant for me, I cannot pass up this chance to express thanks to you for two things. I've never before been able to speak to a large group of Catholics, let alone clergy, and I must do this while I have the opportunity.

First: I thank you as fellow Catholics. I'm a convert to Catholicism, received at the Easter Vigil of 2004, and am grateful for your faithfulness to the Church, preserving the Church through the years, so that She was there for me when I was ready to join Her.

Second: I wish to thank you as clergy, for giving your lives to Christ and His Church, serving the people of God in this most special way. You probably hear more complaints from the laity than anything else, and don't hear thanks from us often enough, but we do thank you. We need you and we love you. We appreciate all you do for us.

Seminarians, thank you for taking time to discern whether or not God is calling you to Holy Orders. We're grateful for your willingness to stop and listen to what the Spirit is saying to you, and we're praying for you during your discernment.

There may be some here who are suspicious of, or who do not support the Courage Apostolate, its goals, or its message. There may be some here who don't know what Courage is, or only have vague ideas of its mission. I'm pleased to explain what Courage is and what it means to its members. As stated on the Courage website:

"Courage is an apostolate of the Roman Catholic Church that ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. It has been endorsed by the Pontifical Council for the Family and our beloved John Paul II said of this ministry, 'Courage is doing the work of God!' Courage also has an outreach called Encourage which ministers to relatives and friends of persons with same-sex attractions.

"Courage has five goals which were created by the members themselves, when the apostolate was founded. Each member is called to practice them in daily life.

1) Live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality. (Chastity)
2) Dedicate one's life to Christ through service to others, spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist. (Prayer and Dedication)
3) Foster a spirit of fellowship in which all may share thoughts and experiences, and so ensure that no one will have to face the problems of homosexuality alone. (Fellowship)
4) Be mindful of the truth that chaste friendships are not only possible but necessary in a chaste Christian life and in doing so provide encouragement to one another in forming and sustaining them. (Support)
5) Live lives that may serve as good examples to others. (Good Example)"

Courage member David Morrison wrote a book called Beyond Gay, in which he listed some things that Courage is not.

" Courage is not an orientation change group. Courage does not require anyone coming to its meetings or getting support to commit to diminishing [his or her] same-sex attraction or changing it to a more heterosexual focus. If individual members wish to try such a course their Courage groups will support them, but it's not a requirement.

"Courage is not an organization of perfectionists! The first men that Father Harvey helped to form Courage did not do so to create a society of the folks who had already made it. Courage members are not required to be living chastely when they arrive[,] and some may never arrive at that point. All Courage requires is that its members commits to trying to live the goals. The goals are goals, after all, things people aim toward and for. They are not grades for work already done.

" Courage is not 'rigid'. Courage is faithful to the teaching of the Catholic Church, but Courage is not only about living chastely. Courage is about becoming better Christians. Courage is about growth, integration, and joy and about using the teaching of the Church to help get there.

"Courage is not anti-gay. In fact, Courage is not particularly anti-anything in the sense of feeling the need to denounce things or continually address the 'issue' of same-sex attraction. Courage remains intensely personal. Members have included former gay activists and married men for whom the support groups for whom the support groups are the only people on earth who know their struggle to live chastely. It is true that Courage is about choices, and in that sense one course of action has to win out over another. Encouraging members to choose Mass or prayer over gay bars and one-night-stands might be seen by some as 'anti-gay', but it's not as though, in an abstract sense, Courage formally goes out and denounces patrons of gay bars or people who have one night stands."

I want you to know that I don't stand before you as the poster-child of Courage. I'm one of those trying to live the goals, and identify more with what Courage is not than with what it is. I have many failings with chastity and need to go to Confession often. My heart still repeats after Saint Augustine, "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet." The Courage Apostolate and the teaching of the Church have helped me face both my sexual sin and my sexuality, and to face them with hope, knowing that God loves me.

My story begins with my parents who became committed Christians shortly before I was born, during the Jesus Movement in the 70s. They attended a small Fundamental, Baptist church because that's where their friends went. They sacrificed to send my sisters and me to private, Baptist schools, and until my junior year of high school, I'd never met another Christian who was not Baptist, and I was shocked at how many non-Baptist Christians there were!

My pastors and the private school and Sunday school teachers would sometimes tell us about other Christians and what they believed, but, as I learned later, they gave us a lot of misinformation, especially regarding Pentecostals and the Catholic Church.

Nevertheless, in this environment, I came to faith in Christ at a very young age. One day, when I was four years old, I was playing with my toys in my bedroom, thinking about what my parents told me about Jesus, and I decided I wanted to ask Him into my heart. So I got up, walked over to the bathroom door (because my dad was in there), knocked, and said, "Daddy, I want to ask Jesus into my heart!" My dad said, "Right now!?" I said "Yes", so he opened the door, let me in, asked me some questions to see if I understood what I was doing, then, while he was still sitting on the toilet, he led me in a prayer asking Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to come live in my heart. I was baptized, in a baptismal font, a few months later.

From the beginning, I loved Jesus! And my faith in Him grew. But in my early teen years, my faith began to stagnate, until, at the age of sixteen, I went to summer camp with my church and the Lord touched me there. I saw my faith in a whole new way, and fell in love with Christ all over again.

At this point I should mention that the Fundamental Baptists taught me that those who experience homosexual attractions choose to be this way. There was no understanding of the psychological dimension or other possible causes for it. Because of this worldview of homosexuality, even though I had same-sex attractions from the beginning of my puberty, I wouldn't acknowledge these feelings and so buried them. However, we know all too well, that doesn’t work for very long! I never told my friends or family about these feelings, and when I got my own car and was able to go anywhere I wanted, all my suppressed feelings and buried sexual desires came out.

My first sexual experience with another person was at 19. I wasn't very promiscuous to begin with; I'd have anonymous sexual encounters a few times a year, picking up guys at various places gay men were known to cruise.

This pattern went on for about seven years, and I had more sexual encounters and had them more often. I felt torn in two different directions. My faith life was best described as up and down. When I spent time with my Christian friends, I would feel encouraged and loved. Other times I felt isolated, discouraged, and rejected by God.

By the end of the year 2000, my discouragement and disappointment in myself made me feel like a failure. I stopped going to church, reading the Bible, or even praying. I really didn't want anything to do with God. I thought He saw me as worthless, and I felt abandoned.

I made plans to move across the country, away from my family and Christian friends, and start a whole new life, becoming part of the gay scene, making gay friends, and openly living a lifestyle that was contrary to my faith.

From my late teens until about this point, I had wanted to be a missionary. I dreamed of taking the Gospel to tribes that had never heard it before. The only thing that stopped me from moving across the country was that I had been telling my friends since early '97 about a missions conference that I planned to attend in late December of 2000. InterVarsity Christian Fellowship holds this conference every three years. It's called Urbana. My best friend Dan, who knew nothing about my sexual issues and who had moved to Alaska a couple of years before, was flying down to Detroit to go to the conference with me.

I was pretty miserable the whole time I was there. On the one hand, I felt hopelessly abandoned by God, but on the other, I knew that what I was hearing and experiencing at Urbana was good and holy.

I said and did all the proper Christian things at Urbana in order to blend in with the crowd, even though I didn’t feel like much of a Christian. On the last day of the conference, I attended a workshop that addressed same-sex attraction. I went with mixed feelings, unsure of what I would find there.

The main point of the seminar was that there was hope for those who had these feelings. The workshop leader told us that the answer did not lie in hiding our feelings, running off, giving up, and giving in to a lifestyle that we knew in our hearts was wrong. In fact, he said something that explicitly addressed the dilemma I was facing: "If you're experiencing these feelings, don't "out" yourself to the gay community and lead a sexually immoral life. "Out" yourself to the Christian community and let the Body of Christ love you and help you deal with these feelings."

I nearly fell out of my chair! There were over 20,000 people at Urbana, and yet, God had a message specifically for me! I felt hope again, and my heart was filled with joy!

I went home and, on January 2 of 2001, did the scariest thing I have ever done in my life: I told my parents about my homosexual inclinations. This was such a huge step of spiritual victory and emotional release for me that I'm afraid I didn't really think about the impact on them. Even though they told me right away that they loved me, at first they had a hard time dealing with this revelation. My mom cried a lot, and my dad got mad at God for quite awhile. He told God, "I know You didn't make my son gay, but You could have stopped it!" They accepted it, eventually, but no wonder people want to avoid talking about these things with their families!

I knew I needed to get back into church, and began attending an Evangelical Southern Baptist church near my home. I didn't want to hide anything any longer, so I told my pastor and Sunday School class about my orientation and sexual struggles. Everyone took it quite well, and nobody condemned me nor was anyone freaked out even though I was still struggling with chastity and failing a lot.

I also attended an Evangelical-Christian support group called ' Reconciliation Ministries', which dealt with same-sex attraction, but they held to the view that if your orientation did not change, you weren't doing something right.

I attended both the Baptist Church and the support group regularly, and kept learning more about the Christian faith. I started a new job and began speaking with a co-worker, Michael Chesley, who was in formation at Sacred Heart Major Seminary for the permanent deaconate. We began sharing our faith, and he gave me literature about the Church after I expressed an interest in Catholicism. I eventually decided to convert, and, as stated before, was received into the Church on the Easter Vigil of 2004.

I'd heard about Courage through a friend at the Evangelical support group, and when I joined the Church, I looked for a Courage chapter near me.

At this point, I was under the impression that the Catholic Church held to the same position that the support group did, namely that my orientation had to change. I was worried because I had been trying for several years now to become heterosexual, and it wasn't working.

When I learned the Church's teaching on homosexuality, it was a great comfort to me. The Church tells me I might not change, but that's okay; change is not a requirement. The Church realizes that the human condition is complicated. There are many reasons for one having a same-sex attraction, and the Church leaves it up to science and medicine to figure out why. I'm called to follow Christ, and, like every other single, unmarried man, live a life of chaste celibacy. The Church tells us that no matter what our sexual inclinations are, we are all made in God's image and likeness and can all grow in holiness. The Church offers me forgiveness when I sin, and hope in God's grace and mercy. She tells me I am not worthless and abandoned, but that God loves me with an everlasting love. I joined the Church because I was convinced that the doctrines of the Church are true in theological matters, but never expected to find the peace of mind and heart I now have because of what the Church teaches about human sexuality! Praised be Jesus Christ!

I want to encourage you to let people know about the Courage Apostolate. If people come to you who are same-sex attracted, especially if they feel like I did—hopeless, worthless, rejected—let them know they will find love and support at Courage. Don't be afraid to tell them what the Church teaches about sexuality: there is peace and joy and healing and life in the truth! And please let them know how much God loves them. Let them know they are dear to His heart. Let them know that God loved them so much, that He gave His only-begotten Son so that they might not perish but have everlasting life.

You do so much for the people of God already, but I do ask that you do this one thing more: support Courage in this diocese. Tell people about it. People need to hear this message. People are waiting to hear this message.

Thank you all, again, for your faithfulness as Catholics, for your ministry to the people of God, and for listening to my story. God be with you.

You are Belatedly but Cordially Invited...

The Life Justice Ministry

and

Departments of Catholic Charities and Formation

of the

Diocese of Lansing Michigan

present

"The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction"

Friday, October 24 (clergy only)

and

Saturday, October 25 (everyone welcome).

10:00am to 3:00pm

at

St. Joseph Parish, Howell, MI.

Presenters:

Richard Fitzgibbons, MD, PC

Director, Comprehensive Counseling Services, PA

International Institute of Forgiveness, WI

and

Rev. Paul Check

Diocese of Bridgeport, CT

Director of Courage

Lunch Provided, RSVP Required.

Contact:

Catholic Charities

(517) 342-2465

or

lkolanowski@dioceseoflansing.org

Yours truly will be sharing his testimony as a memeber of Courage. It's my first public speaking engagement. It's a little frightening!

To those of you whom I met at the Courage Conference:

Welcome to my blog!

I was on vacation last week, and what a great vacation it was!

I spent Wednesday and Thursday visiting a religious order I'm looking into, and finished out the week with the annual Courage Conference on Friday through Sunday. I want to write about both experiences, but for now I'm only going to give highlights:

The religious order is the Oblates of Saint Joseph. I visited the Pennsylvania Province. When I first contacted Father Paul McDonnell, he sent me a little booklet entitled Perpetual Novena in Honor of Saint Joseph and Saint Joseph Marello. In the Pennsylvania Province (I don't know about the California Province), the novena is held every Wednesday evening, and it has pretty good attendance. Ever since Father Paul sent me that little booklet, I've wanted to pray the novena with the community there, and was finally able to do so during my trip. Also, every first Thursday of the month, the Oblates hold a Holy Hour for vocations. This last Thursday was the first Thursday of August, and so I was able to participate in that, too! Whenever you get a chance to go before the Blessed Sacrament, do it!

The Courage conference was from Thursday, August 7 to Sunday, August 10. My original plan had been to visit the Oblates from Tuesday afternoon to Thursday morning, making the full conference, but my car gave me trouble on Tuesday morning. Hence, I got to the conference on Friday morning, just at the end of the first session.

Highlights of the conference:

Meeting J. Frank Pate of And Also With You! He and I were becoming friends before the conference thanks to e-mail, phone conversations, and each others' blogs, but meeting in person rather cemented our friendship, I think. I wish we'd had more one-on-one time together, as we'd planned to spend some prayer time together, but weren't able to accomplish it.

On the last day of the conference I spoke with Father John Harvey, the founder of Courage. He retired recently; his 90th birthday was inApril. I hope I wasn't rude, but I told him he'd probably be getting to Heaven before I do (if I make it--dear readers, let us pray for one another!), and asked him to pray for me there. He said he would. On an impulse, I asked him if I could hug him, he said "Of course" and then said, "Here, I'll give you a blessing now," at which point he placed his hand on my head and called for God's blessing on me and my loved ones.

I met some great people at the conference, heard some great talks, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The Men's Courage meetings were the two best workshops. During the first one, we had a meditation on the Stations of the Cross adapted to the trials of men bearing the cross of SSA. At the time, it didn't move me, but as the days wore on, it grew on me. I have a copy of them and have the permission of their author to post them on my blog, which I will do so over the next few weeks or months.

One of the workshops was "Releasing the Gifts of the Holy Spirit". It was about the gifts of the Holy Spirit and asking Him to give His gifts to you. One of the exercises was writing letters to Jesus telling Him how you feel about knowing Him better, His healing in your life, and helping other people know Him better. This was awesome, and I think letter writing will become part of my devotional life again (I used to do this as a teenager).

The great thing of the conference was meeting everyone I was able to meet! There's a Star Trek novel, the name of which escapes me, wherein the Enterprise visits a planet with a global transporter network. In the novel, it takes something like 30 seconds to travel anywhere else on the planet. I would love to have such a thing so we could all visit each other. Oh well.

There's more to write about, but I'm sleepy! It's 1:25pm which makes it 3 hours past my bedtime! Good night!

What a busy week and a half!

Yes, my life has been busier than normal, but not because of work! My schedule has changed, and I now have an actual life! I now work Sunday through Thursday from 8:30pm to 5am, except for Monday. Monday's schedule is 10pm to 6:30am. "The midnight shift. Sounds horrible!" you might say, dear reader, but you would be wrong! I am enjoying this shift. It allows me to go to Mass every day! And when the fall semester starts, I can take morning classes at a local community college and still be able to go to Mass every day!

Now that I have a life, I actually have less time to blog and keep up with e-mail :-(

But I'll do my best to keep new things here, at least once a week.

Upcoming topics:

God's Team (a group of Evangelicals in the Detroit metro area from many different churches and para-church organizations who reac out to the Muslim population here).

The Arab-American festival held this past weekend (6/20-6/22).

My parents attending my COURAGE group with me.

A men's group I've joined at a local Evangelical church called Sexual Integrity.

My Muslim friend "Ali" (not his real name).

New Insights

On Wednesday evening, Father John Riccardo was on the radio. I was making deliveries at the time, so didn't get to hear the entire program. But I did hear something that really got me thinking. Father John related how, on a regular basis, he meets with a group of young adults (how I envy them!). The last time they met, he asked them if they view Christianity primarily as a list of do's and don'ts or as a positive option for their lives. I've been a Christian my whole life. I know the answer I'm supposed to give: positive option, of course. I'm not sure how I apply it to every area of my life, but as regards to my sexuality, I view my faith primarily as restrictive! I was shocked to realize this, but it's true.

The view I have of my faith in Christ as applied to my sexuality is entirely negative. That is, my faith in Christ means I cannot have a boyfriend. I cannot have sex. I cannot look at pornography. I cannot masturbate. Why do I not see chastity as a positive? I need a whole new perspective on this issue, as well as to see people positively applying it in their lives. It doesn't help that our entire culture throws sex at us all the time. We never see in the media people who live chastely. Indeed, we're told that to do so is abnormal. Lack of example does not provide us with an excuse for bad behavior, but it does make it more difficult to know how to live. Anyone else have any thoughts?

I remember where I was going with last night's post!

Life without a computer:

I used to tell people I can live without a TV, which is very true, but I can't live without the internet. Turns out, I can live without the internet very easily! My life was much more productive in the last few weeks offline. I missed my blog and e-mail, but spent more time reading regular books and the Bible, praying, thinking, journaling, etc. If my work schedule was other than it is, I'd have spent more time with real, live people. Indeed, if my work schedule was other than it is, I'd be spending more time with people anyway. It gets rather lonely getting off anywhere between 10:30pm and 7am in the morning. And while I meet many people as I make my deliveries, that's not the same as hanging out with friends. Most nurses are too busy to chat with after the delivery is made. There is one nurse at a particular hospital (in fact, the hot nurse named Anthony mentioned in this post) that chats with me. I like the fact that he'll sit and talk with me. For one, it's a nice bit of socializing. And second, since I have a crush on him, getting to know him as a person is helping me to break the crush. He's married and has three boys. Sometimes I pray for his family. It also helps to remember he's a married man!

This post is not for children and I'd never talk about this around women, either!

But since this is on the web and I don't know the age and sex of the individual(s) reading it...

I've been asking God for a while now to help me know and understand myself better, and to honestly face up to the truth about myself, even if it's painful. God said, "Yes." I'm realizing things about myself I never realized before. And some of it is painful.

I'm realizing that I'm deeply ashamed of myself. This insight came about as I reflected on the fact that I'm very rarely in my own sexual fantasies. My body-image is so bad, that I have to imagine other men having sex with each other! I just realized this today. It's not healthy. You know, a few months ago it occurred to me that one of the reasons, perhaps the primary reason, I lust so much after hot guys is that I'm jealous of their looks. I'm overweight (which I can change but am too lazy to) and, while I'm not ugly, I'm not one of the best looking guys in the world. I've started praying that God will help me like myself, and make the changes that I ought to make for the right reasons; that is, I should lose weight and tone up my body, not for vanity, but because it's healthy.

I'll probably edit and add to this post later. Right now, I'm going to bed.

Disturbing dreams

I have pains in my legs. They ache during the day, but it's worse at night. On Friday, December 28th (Twila Paris' birthday, by the way), I went to the doctor about them because they disrupt my sleep quite often. I can be in the middle of deep sleep, and my legs will hurt so bad they wake me up. Anyway, I went to the doctor and she gave me some medicine that has helped immensely. I can sleep the whole night through, now. But I've been having disturbing dreams lately. A side-effect of the medication? I don’t know. It could be coincidence.

In the first dream, I was a prisoner in a Nazi prison. This dream and the next one are rather vague to me, so I don’t remember a lot of the details. A Nazi captain was interrogating (but not torturing) me because I was hiding Jews. It was a little frightening, but I think I realized I was dreaming so it wasn't a nightmare-ish dream. Just disturbing. And I got to meet the ten Boom family! That part was actually nice!

Before I tell you my next dream, also disturbing but not a nightmare, I acknowledge the fact that I am a geek.

So I'm walking down a hall in some large building in the middle of some large city (Chicago, I think), surrounded by hundreds of people, when all of a sudden, dozens of these little floating laser turret thingies break through a wall and start shooting people. They're flying everywhere, killing everyone in sight. I run, of course. And I hear a maniacal, grating voice behind me saying "Exterminate!" (Jeron, that'a a link to a video.) Yes, this was a Doctor Who dream! And I knew I had to find the TARDIS, and a Dalek was chasing me. Disturbing.

But the most disturbing dream of all was the one I had two nights ago. I was making out with a blond chick. That's only partially disturbing. The dream went like this: Marcus (see my last post) and I were lovers. He took me to meet some lady friends of his who were models. For some reason in the dream we were both "in the closet". (I don’t know why I was in the closet, I don’t hide it in real life. If it comes up in conversation, I tell people. For example, while I was still a new employee at the company I work for, the guys were talking about what they look for in women. They asked me, too, and I tried to avoid the question but couldn't. At work they think of me as a gay Catholic who's not looking for sex.) Anyway, we were both "closeted". He didn’t want anyone to know about our sexual orientation or relationship. He, the models, and I went out to a restaurant. One of the models, the blond one, liked me. She flirted with me and I flirted back. Then she kissed me. I didn't know what to do, so I kissed her back. Then she gave me some tongue. Indeed, at this point in my dream we were, as my grandmother would say, "wallerin' all over each other." We were being kind of rude, making out in the restaurant. People were staring. She placed her hand on my groin where I did not have an erection! I remember thinking, "I hope she doesn’t get mad because she's not doing anything for me down there." And I glimpsed Marcus out of the corner of my eye. He was ignoring us. I felt bad. I wanted to tell him I was going along with this girl as "cover". She was my "beard". Then I felt bad because I was using her. Then I woke up.

That dream has haunted me these last few days.

I'm so confused!

High rambling alert!

I don't have it all together. I have times of intense commitment to a chaste lifestyle, and times when I almost throw it away. I'm in one of those "throw it away" cycles, right now.

Two or three weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine (we'll call him Marcus) in which I shared with him my desire to have a boyfriend with whom I can have a chaste relationship (like Jay the "Christian Collegian". Although I'm afraid I would not have the ability to keep such a relationship chaste). He asked me if there's anyone I'm seeing now, or if I had anyone in mind. I told him no, but later I sent him a MySpace message telling him I thought that if he hadn't been married when he lived down here, he and I could have had something together, "something" meaning that we would have been lovers. He agreed. When he lived here, we had a friendship that became sexual, this in spite of the fact that he was married at the time! Shamefully, I committed adultery with him. We would probably have been lovers had he stayed whether he were married or not. (And to add more confusion to this situation: his wife left him for another woman a few years ago. All three of us are a mess!)

He was a fun friend. I really liked him. I also think of him in a sexual way. I want him. I'm afraid that if he lived near me or I near him, I would drop the already-tenuous hold I have on a commitment to chastity and pursue a relationship with him. It scares me that I'm this close to such a grave sin. It scares me that my commitment to chastity is unstable. I want to be chaste. I really do. Until I'm tempted. Or, sometimes, lonely. Then I want to have a lover and loads of sex. I was very encouraged after the COURAGE conference. It energized me, renewed my desire to be a loyal son of the Church and a loyal member of COURAGE. I love this organization! I love the Church! I love Christ! I'm so confused! Is this Romans 7? God help me!

I want to go to Confession on Saturday, but I'm not sure I can because I'm not sure I'm repentant. If I'm not repentant, but I want to be, will the grace of the sacrament make me repentant? Does anyone know what the Church teaches about this? Should I go to Confession soon, or wait for repentance?

I'm in an uncomfortable spot: my head believes the Church teaches truly in all areas of Christian belief and behavior. I'm not sure my heart believes this in regards to sex, but I want it to. If I really believed with conviction that the Church teaches correctly, wouldn't I mend my ways? What does it mean that I keep falling into sin regarding my sexuality? That I don't really believe the Church?

Ravi Zacharias says, and I'm paraphrasing, that an opinion is something you hold, but a conviction is something that holds you. I should (as in "there exists a moral obligation") hold to and live by the conviction that homogenital acts are wrong. Why don’t I? How can I develop convictions? How can I get my heart to believe what my head does? Any thoughts from anyone?

I end with a prayer by Jeremy Taylor because I don't know what else to pray at this point: "Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption…"

A Random Conversation I had with a Coworker

Dave: "I think [another coworker] forgot to show the nurse the Trendelenberg function on this (hospital) bed when he placed it."

Me: "I usually forget to tell the nurses how to use Trend. when I place a patient on that bed, too.
Dave: "Fortunately, most of the staff at [the hospital under discussion] know our beds."

Me: "Yeah, but sometimes you find someone that doesn't know anything at all about them, and you have to give them a complete inservice. The other day I was in [one of the ICU departments] and had to give an inservice to a hot nurse...Anthony."

Dave: "You know, it doesn't bother me that you're gay, but when you say 'hot nurse' and follow it up with a guy's name, it kinda throws me."

Sometimes I worry...

NOTE: I had a posting in this spot earlier, which began with the following parable and ended with some questions I have; questions to which parts of this parable speak. I have removed the post for heavy editing (will re-post it later), but have kept the parable here because "All Scripture is profitable..."

Woodrow

And one of the Pharisees desired Him (Jesus) that He would eat with him. And He went into the Pharisee's house and sat down to meat. And behold, a woman in the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and began to wash His feet with tears and wiped them with the hair of her head, and kissed His feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had bidden Him saw it, he spoke within himself, saying, "This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is who toucheth him, for she is a sinner." And Jesus answering said unto him, "Simon, I have something to say unto thee." And he said, "Master, say on." "There was a certain creditor that had two debtors. The one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing to pay, he freely forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?" Simon answered and said, "I suppose that he to whom he forgave most. And He said unto him, "Thou hast rightly judged." And He turned to the woman and said unto Simon, "Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house: Thou gavest Me no water for My feet, but she hath washed My feet with tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. Thou gavest Me no kiss, but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss My feet. My head with oil thou didst not anoint, but this woman hath anointed My feet with ointment. Therefore I say unto thee, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little." And He said unto her, "Thy sins are forgiven." And those who sat at meat with Him began to say within themselves, "Who is this that forgiveth sins also?" And He said to the woman, "Thy faith hath saved thee. Go in peace." (Luke 7:36-50 TMB)