I have pets!

For years I've been without any, but now I own five of the best pets God ever invented: hermit crabs!


Right now they live in a ten gallon aquarium, but I hope to move them into a 55 gallon home by the end of May. Here's there current home:

It's not very pretty yet, but I'm going to get more colorful things for their crabitat. And some live plants. By the way, the five shells up front: that's them. No one wanted to have their picture taken! Here's a closer look:

I enjoy these little creatures, and hope to increase their numbers to about a dozen when I get the larger aquarium.


A Prayer for Animals
by Saint Francis of Assisi


God our Heavenly Father, You created the world to serve humanity's needs and to lead them to You. By our own fault we have lost the beautiful relationship which we once had with all your creation. Help us to see that by restoring our relationship with You we will also restore it with all Your creation. Give us the grace to see all animals as gifts from You and to treat them with respect for they are Your creation. We pray for all animals who are suffering as a result of our neglect. May the order You originally established be once again restored to the whole world through the intercession of the Glorious Virgin Mary, the prayers of Saint Francis and the merits of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ who lives and reigns with You now and forever. Amen.

Letting people be.

Back in the day, I used to think if I was talking to people about God, I had to try really hard to get them to ask Jesus into their hearts as their personal Savior. I'm glad I've grown out of that! God knows where people are, and He works with them there.

And I used to think I had to have all the answers for anyone who asked a question about God, or the Bible, or why evil exists, etc. But I don't. And I don't have to. And I don't know nearly as much as I thought I did then, nor as much as I think I do now, anyway. And that's okay.

And I used to think that my faith should be invincible because true faith is invincible--nothing can cause it to waver or be destroyed. But that's not reality. It's what we pray and hope and reach for, but it's not where we're at. Not most of us.

And I used to believe that I had to be the perfect Christian, never letting other's know I was less than perfect, and certainly not letting them know I have faults of character and faults of virtue. I'm glad I've grown out of that, too! It's okay for people to know my faults and sins. Many, perhaps most, of them are obvious, anyway!

And sometimes I don't whether God exists at all, and sometimes I don't know why I believe in Him, and right now I can't answer those questions, although it may be it's that I just can't find Him, or maybe I don't want to find Him. It's not a comfortable place to be. And that's okay because uncomfortable places in our lives make us move out to places we're afraid to go. Or to places we never thought of going. And we ask questions we never asked before. And God, if He exists, won't leave us to ourselves, if we really don't want Him to. And He will find us, and He will answer us, even if we cannot articulate the answers or even the questions we were asking.

The Doubter's Prayer

By Anne Bronte (1820-1849)

Eternal Power, of earth and air!
Unseen, yet seen in all around,
Remote, but dwelling everywhere,
Though silent, heard in every sound;

If e'er thine ear in mercy bent,
When wretched mortals cried to Thee,
And if, indeed, Thy Son was sent,
To save lost sinners such as me:

Then hear me now, while kneeling here,
I lift to thee my heart and eye,
And all my soul ascends in prayer,
OH, GIVE ME--GIVE ME FAITH! I cry.

Without some glimmering in my heart,
I could not raise this fervent prayer;
But, oh! a stronger light impart,
And in Thy mercy fix it there.

While Faith is with me, I am blest;
It turns my darkest night to day;
But while I clasp it to my breast,
I often feel it slide away.

Then, cold and dark, my spirit sinks,
To see my light of life depart;
And every fiend of Hell, methinks,
Enjoys the anguish of my heart.

What shall I do, if all my love,
My hopes, my toil, are cast away,
And if there be no God above,
To hear and bless me when I pray?

If this be vain delusion all,
If death be an eternal sleep,
And none can hear my secret call,
Or see the silent tears I weep!

Oh, help me, God! For thou alone
Canst my distracted soul relieve;
Forsake it not: it is thine own,
Though weak, yet longing to believe.

Oh, drive these cruel doubts away;
And make me know, that Thou art God!
A faith, that shines by night and day,
Will lighten every earthly load.

If I believe that Jesus died,
And waking, rose to reign above;
Then surely Sorrow, Sin, and Pride,
Must yield to Peace, and Hope, and Love.

And all the blessed words He said
Will strength and holy joy impart:
A shield of safety o'er my head,
A spring of comfort in my heart.

I haven't been very active with this blog for a while...

...and have considered taking it down, but don't really want to, in large part because of some great friends I've made here.



Recently, I've been intensely struggling (and failing) with the chastity issue. I won't provide details, but lately I've been in grave sin a lot!



Today, I got a great encourgaement from Louise of Purcell's Chicken Voluntary. Earlier, she posted the following simple comment on the previous post: "Saying a prayer for you, Woodrow."

What a blessing to have met good people like her to pray at just the right times!

Thank you, Louise!

Yes, Virginia, there is...

...still a blogger at this site. One, however, who stays too busy to post very often!

I break my fast of posts with a link to a much better resource than my own humble* blog: Eve Tushnet's latest at Inside Catholic.

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The rest of this post doesn't really have anything to do with the above link.
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One of the main reason's I started this blog was to publicly "talk through" what it means to be "gay" and Catholic. Much to my regret, I've never really used that blog for that purpose, however, partly because I didn't want to be too open about my thoughts and struggles as I learn how to deal with my same-sex attraction. As I've been sharing my story with other people, I've realized how powerful it can be to admit publicly, my sins, my need for accountability, the things that have helped me achieve the small victories I've won, etc.

I've also realized that my public speaking engagements, as well as the things I share with friends on Facebook, necessitate that I tell my family my full story. So far, they know only small parts of it. It's unthinkable that one of my Facebook friends should mention something about my unfortunately-not-yet-non-existant sex life to my parents and sisters who still believe I'm a virgin. Thry deserve to hear the truth from me, not from somebody who has heard me speak!

Perhaps, gentle readers, you will be so kind as to pray for the following:

1) that God will give me the courage to speak soon to my parents and siblings about this hidden (from them) part of my life;

2) that God will give me the grace to know what to say, how to say it, and that He will enable me to say it well, with charity^, grace, and humility;

3) that God will prepare their hearts to hear this shameful news that I have to tell them;

4) that somehow we will grow closer as a family, and that we will grow close as a Christian** family as a result of my openness with them.




*Humble, not as in the virtue of humility, but as in Merriam Webster's third definition of the word.

^I ask for charity because when I first outed myself to them, I didn't think about their feelings; my only concern was to unburden myself!

**We are all professing Christians, but some in my immediate family have separated themselves as far as they are able from all that would do them good. Pray for us!

The death of George Tiller.

It was a disgusting act of violence. Nobody should condone his killer's actions. At the same time...Well, I'll direct you to our friends at Ad Orientem who say it better than I can:

A Day of Violence

Let us continue to pray for our fallen world.

In the Dearborn library system...

...this would never happen!

That's because, as I had the misfortune to discover recently, if someone borrows a book way past the due date, the book is considered lost and the account is sent to a COLLECTION AGENCY!

No internet after all!

The cable company never showed up, and they didn't call to say they wouldn't be at my house, either.

Their lack of good customer service has lost them my business.

My internet activity will continue to be spotty still.

I'm still around...

...and will have internet access as of March 13!

Lent has been awesome, so far. Daily Mass, more time in prayer, etc.: I can feel the effects!

Arabic classes have been okay. There are three letters of the alphabet I cannot pronounce correctly, neither can I have a meaningful conversation with anyone. I hope to continue studying Arabic in the future, however, and perhaps become fluent in it.

Next month, I'll be visiting the Oblates of Saint Joseph again, to discuss joining them.

I'll give a better update on next Friday or Saturday.

Still have only limited web access...

...but a quick update:

I start classes at a brick-and-morter (and whatever else the building is made of) school tomorrow!

I can only do one class this semester, so I settled on Beginning Arabic.

I can't wait!

The University of Phoenix online classes...

...a stupid curriculum!

Update: The school did not stick me with a $2,000.00 bill (a concern I expressed in the e-mail near the end of this post). Indeed, they were very good at helping me not face any financial difficulties.

I signed up for classes at UoP last week, had my first class on Monday of this week (11/24), and promptly dropped the class yesterday because of UoP's idiotic ideas about one of it's two prerequisite classes. You have to take Contemporary Business Communication (COM 140), before you can take any other class†, including Effective Essay Writing (COM 150)! How can you write effectively for business, if you don't know how to write effectively? Effective Essay Writing teaches the proper use of grammar, punctuation, etc., whereas the proper use of these things accounts for only about 20% of your grade in COM 140 (at least for the final project). And you cannot take even a Math class without COM 140! Another stupid idea: you must take COM 140 before you take World Literature (LIT 210), but you don't have to take COM 150 before that same class, even though writing is (or at least should be) very important to the World Literature class. COM 140 is not even entirely about writing. You have to have at least a basic knowledge of business development and management for the final project.

Here's the e-mail I sent to the Admissions Counselor who worked with me.

[Name of Admissions Counselor],

I am rather disappointed at not having received a phone call from you at 5pm earlier today (11/25), although you said yesterday that you would call at that time. I do appreciate the call I received at 4:30pm from the Education Counselor gentleman whose name I don't remember. As I said in the voicemail I left for you at 4:43pm, the call dropped when he tried to transfer me over to you.

Certainly you know by now that I've decided not to take classes through the University of Phoenix (UoP). It wasn't until I saw the COM 140 final project guidelines and realized that COM 140 is absolutely required as a prerequisite for every single other class, GEN 105 excepted, that I knew UoP is not for me. Both COM 140 as a class and its status as an absolute required prerequisite are highly frustrating. Purportedly, COM 140 is about learning to write a paper. Based on the "final topic additional guidelines", it seems that in reality COM 140 is much more about business than about writing. Here's one quote [from those guidelines] that leads me to that conclusion: "You may want to think about how the business will work, cost, number of employees, etc." What does this have to do with learning how to write a good paper? These are considerations for business development and management.* One earns only 2 points [out of 10] for following "[r]ules of grammar, usage, and punctuation". Only 2 points for grammar, usage, and punctuation in what is supposed to be a writing class? Either the instructor is unaware that she is supposed to be teaching us how to write a good paper, or UoP is offering a business class disguised as a writing class, or UoP is unaware that the instructor has turned a writing class into a business class. One cannot even take COM 150 "Effective Essay Writing", which is apparently the real writing class, unless one goes through the silliness of COM 140 first. I don't understand why and how it is that one must take a (purportedly) business writing class before one can take a class on writing effectively. How COM 140 alone is the prerequisite for the Humanities classes instead of COM 150 is beyond me, and why COM 140 is a prerequisite for math classes.

Now that you're aware of why I'm dropping UoP from my consideration as a viable (and trustworthy, I might add) institution of study, I'd like to know how this affects my finances. [Name of Academic Advisor] indicated that because I've only "attended" class the first day, I haven't really met any attendance requirements, and therefore will owe nothing...If this is not the case, and UoP will be keeping the money and thereby sticking me with a $2,000 bill for classes never taken, I'd like to know so I can chalk this up to an expensive lesson learned and start paying...as soon as possible.

I should add that if it turns out that the instructor is abusing the purpose of COM 140, and UoP corrects it so that I would actually learn how to write well (even if it would be for business), I'd consider taking the class. It would primarily have to teach writing, of course.

I had high hopes of continuing my education through UoP, and am disappointed that it has turned out to be such an utter failure from the first day of class. I do appreciate the encouragement you gave me, and will pursue other avenues of learning. In the future, however, you may want to talk more fully with someone like me who expresses reservations about UoP before you get them to sign up for classes, and so avoid situations like this.

Sincerely,
[Woodrow]

P.S. I know many businesses are very interested in social media, so I will alert you to the fact that I'll be discussing this situation on my blog. I won't mention anyone by name, but will post this e-mail message as a warning to other people who may be considering UoP.

*And since I've never had classes to teach me how to develop and/or manage a business, how am I supposed to take these things into consideration? Are we going to learn these business skills in this, once more, purported writing class?

Reader, beware! Online classes are not as good as they sound! At least, not at the University of Phoenix.

Some other frustrations I had: the Academic Advisor was not as knowledgable as she should have been regarding my question about whether or not financial aid would pay for classes that would give me extra credits not needed toward a degree. She apparently didn't kow the answer to that question, althouh the Education Counselor did. (What the difference between an Academic Advisor and an Education Counselor is, I have no idea.) The Education Counselor kept insisting that Contemporary Business Communication is a writing class, although the final project guidelines indicated differently. There was no way to take COM 150 followed by COM 140.

I guess I'm done with my rant now.

†With the exception of a class called GEN 105 which is an introduction to learning online, among other things.

Hello, World!

I'm still alive!

And getting healthy again.

I got sick on Tuesday. Nothing caused by or related to the election. It was some infection I picked up from somewhere (probably one of the many hospitals I visit during my nightly delivery runs) that wiped me out! Actually, I started feeling less than healthy on Monday night/Tuesday morning (remember, I work the midnight shift). I left work an hour early because I was so tired, I didn't think I could make it for that last hour. I went home and went to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours early for work on Tuesday afternoon, and felt okay when I first got up, but after being awake for about twenty minutes, my head ached and my body was sore all over. I went to work, ran a delivery to one of the hospitals, and then, before leaving for the next one, called my boss to tell him how I felt. He told me I should probably go home, but I had some important things to address at the next hospital so I told him I'd make the next run and see how I felt.

Well, it turns out I felt pretty bad! I got back to the warehouse/service center by 1:30am, clocked out immediately, lay down on one of our clean beds, slept until 5am when the morning guy came in, cleaned the bed I had been laying on (so nobody would get sick or sicker by using it), and left. By the way, I was so tired, that I got up to go pee sometime between 2:30 and 3, and nearly fell asleep at the urinal! I almost fell asleep on the drive home, too. And then I slept until about 12:30am on Wednesday. I've never been so sick that I've slept for nearly 24 hours, or almost fallen asleep while standing at the urinal peeing! My throat was sore and I was miserable. And it took all my energy to urinate during the time I was sleeping. The bathroom is only a few steps from my bed, wait...

...I counted. My bed is near the door of the bedroom which is right next to the bathroom, so it takes 11 steps to reach the toilet. The trips I took to the bathroom drained me. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Well, my doctor saw me the next day (yesterday), and I have an infection of some sort. It made me lose my voice and caused my throat to swell and block my airway a little bit. She (I have a female doctor) gave me a couple of shots "in my buh'tawks" as Forest Gump would say and told me I was to go straight to the emergency room immediately if I had even the tiniest bit more difficulty in breathing. Fortunately that did not happen!

I'm feeling better today. My voice is coming and going and I'm napping off and on. But I can breathe better!

And I wanted to do a post about the election, and another one about me starting online college classes, but I'm writing this run-on sentence and then laying down for another nap.

So good-night for now.

After the spurt of postings I've had in the last two days...

...this may be a minor surprise to some.

I haven't been able to blog much lately because my wrist has some sort of problem. I'm not exactly sure what. I've spoken to my doctor about it, and I go on Friday to get some tests done. It seems there's definitely have some nerve damage, and the tests on Friday will determine exactly what kind and what the extent is. I'm right-handed and it's my right wrist that's acting up. It worries me because I'm losing function in the wrist. It's difficult and a little painful to type. It's difficult and very painful to write because I have to hold my pen in such an odd way (strangely enough, I have to hold my pen so strongly and exert so much control that my handwriting has improved even as I'm less able to hold the pen comfortably). Sometimes, I even have difficulty feeding myself because of how my wrist behaves when putting a cup or utensil to my mouth. One can teach oneself to become ambidextrous, which I'm willing to do, but I miss being able to write and type well. I used to be able to type at 8100+ sph with a one percent error rate (data entry), but cannot come anywhere near that now.

I would appreciate any prayers you could offer for this situation.

Thanks.

The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction Conference...

...went very well on Friday and Saturday!

We had about 40 clergy on Friday and about the same number of laity on Saturday, including a few of my friends who came for moral support. I was very glad to see them.

I learned something about myself at the conference: I enjoy public speaking! And I seem to be good at it! Up till now, the only talent I knew I had was reading, which is kind of a useless skill in that one cannot really serve other people just by reading lots of books. Now I know I can do something else that can affect other people. Giving my testimony was fun, and I still can't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The best part was my opening on clergy day because I got to thank them for all they do for us. It was good to be able to be a blessing to them.




I would first like to thank His Excellency Bishop Boyea, Catholic Charities, and particularly Rory Hoipkemeier, for giving me this opportunity to share my story with you this afternoon.

While my primary purpose here is to share with you my testimony and some of what Courage has meant for me, I cannot pass up this chance to express thanks to you for two things. I've never before been able to speak to a large group of Catholics, let alone clergy, and I must do this while I have the opportunity.

First: I thank you as fellow Catholics. I'm a convert to Catholicism, received at the Easter Vigil of 2004, and am grateful for your faithfulness to the Church, preserving the Church through the years, so that She was there for me when I was ready to join Her.

Second: I wish to thank you as clergy, for giving your lives to Christ and His Church, serving the people of God in this most special way. You probably hear more complaints from the laity than anything else, and don't hear thanks from us often enough, but we do thank you. We need you and we love you. We appreciate all you do for us.

Seminarians, thank you for taking time to discern whether or not God is calling you to Holy Orders. We're grateful for your willingness to stop and listen to what the Spirit is saying to you, and we're praying for you during your discernment.

There may be some here who are suspicious of, or who do not support the Courage Apostolate, its goals, or its message. There may be some here who don't know what Courage is, or only have vague ideas of its mission. I'm pleased to explain what Courage is and what it means to its members. As stated on the Courage website:

"Courage is an apostolate of the Roman Catholic Church that ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. It has been endorsed by the Pontifical Council for the Family and our beloved John Paul II said of this ministry, 'Courage is doing the work of God!' Courage also has an outreach called Encourage which ministers to relatives and friends of persons with same-sex attractions.

"Courage has five goals which were created by the members themselves, when the apostolate was founded. Each member is called to practice them in daily life.

1) Live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality. (Chastity)
2) Dedicate one's life to Christ through service to others, spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist. (Prayer and Dedication)
3) Foster a spirit of fellowship in which all may share thoughts and experiences, and so ensure that no one will have to face the problems of homosexuality alone. (Fellowship)
4) Be mindful of the truth that chaste friendships are not only possible but necessary in a chaste Christian life and in doing so provide encouragement to one another in forming and sustaining them. (Support)
5) Live lives that may serve as good examples to others. (Good Example)"

Courage member David Morrison wrote a book called Beyond Gay, in which he listed some things that Courage is not.

" Courage is not an orientation change group. Courage does not require anyone coming to its meetings or getting support to commit to diminishing [his or her] same-sex attraction or changing it to a more heterosexual focus. If individual members wish to try such a course their Courage groups will support them, but it's not a requirement.

"Courage is not an organization of perfectionists! The first men that Father Harvey helped to form Courage did not do so to create a society of the folks who had already made it. Courage members are not required to be living chastely when they arrive[,] and some may never arrive at that point. All Courage requires is that its members commits to trying to live the goals. The goals are goals, after all, things people aim toward and for. They are not grades for work already done.

" Courage is not 'rigid'. Courage is faithful to the teaching of the Catholic Church, but Courage is not only about living chastely. Courage is about becoming better Christians. Courage is about growth, integration, and joy and about using the teaching of the Church to help get there.

"Courage is not anti-gay. In fact, Courage is not particularly anti-anything in the sense of feeling the need to denounce things or continually address the 'issue' of same-sex attraction. Courage remains intensely personal. Members have included former gay activists and married men for whom the support groups for whom the support groups are the only people on earth who know their struggle to live chastely. It is true that Courage is about choices, and in that sense one course of action has to win out over another. Encouraging members to choose Mass or prayer over gay bars and one-night-stands might be seen by some as 'anti-gay', but it's not as though, in an abstract sense, Courage formally goes out and denounces patrons of gay bars or people who have one night stands."

I want you to know that I don't stand before you as the poster-child of Courage. I'm one of those trying to live the goals, and identify more with what Courage is not than with what it is. I have many failings with chastity and need to go to Confession often. My heart still repeats after Saint Augustine, "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet." The Courage Apostolate and the teaching of the Church have helped me face both my sexual sin and my sexuality, and to face them with hope, knowing that God loves me.

My story begins with my parents who became committed Christians shortly before I was born, during the Jesus Movement in the 70s. They attended a small Fundamental, Baptist church because that's where their friends went. They sacrificed to send my sisters and me to private, Baptist schools, and until my junior year of high school, I'd never met another Christian who was not Baptist, and I was shocked at how many non-Baptist Christians there were!

My pastors and the private school and Sunday school teachers would sometimes tell us about other Christians and what they believed, but, as I learned later, they gave us a lot of misinformation, especially regarding Pentecostals and the Catholic Church.

Nevertheless, in this environment, I came to faith in Christ at a very young age. One day, when I was four years old, I was playing with my toys in my bedroom, thinking about what my parents told me about Jesus, and I decided I wanted to ask Him into my heart. So I got up, walked over to the bathroom door (because my dad was in there), knocked, and said, "Daddy, I want to ask Jesus into my heart!" My dad said, "Right now!?" I said "Yes", so he opened the door, let me in, asked me some questions to see if I understood what I was doing, then, while he was still sitting on the toilet, he led me in a prayer asking Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to come live in my heart. I was baptized, in a baptismal font, a few months later.

From the beginning, I loved Jesus! And my faith in Him grew. But in my early teen years, my faith began to stagnate, until, at the age of sixteen, I went to summer camp with my church and the Lord touched me there. I saw my faith in a whole new way, and fell in love with Christ all over again.

At this point I should mention that the Fundamental Baptists taught me that those who experience homosexual attractions choose to be this way. There was no understanding of the psychological dimension or other possible causes for it. Because of this worldview of homosexuality, even though I had same-sex attractions from the beginning of my puberty, I wouldn't acknowledge these feelings and so buried them. However, we know all too well, that doesn’t work for very long! I never told my friends or family about these feelings, and when I got my own car and was able to go anywhere I wanted, all my suppressed feelings and buried sexual desires came out.

My first sexual experience with another person was at 19. I wasn't very promiscuous to begin with; I'd have anonymous sexual encounters a few times a year, picking up guys at various places gay men were known to cruise.

This pattern went on for about seven years, and I had more sexual encounters and had them more often. I felt torn in two different directions. My faith life was best described as up and down. When I spent time with my Christian friends, I would feel encouraged and loved. Other times I felt isolated, discouraged, and rejected by God.

By the end of the year 2000, my discouragement and disappointment in myself made me feel like a failure. I stopped going to church, reading the Bible, or even praying. I really didn't want anything to do with God. I thought He saw me as worthless, and I felt abandoned.

I made plans to move across the country, away from my family and Christian friends, and start a whole new life, becoming part of the gay scene, making gay friends, and openly living a lifestyle that was contrary to my faith.

From my late teens until about this point, I had wanted to be a missionary. I dreamed of taking the Gospel to tribes that had never heard it before. The only thing that stopped me from moving across the country was that I had been telling my friends since early '97 about a missions conference that I planned to attend in late December of 2000. InterVarsity Christian Fellowship holds this conference every three years. It's called Urbana. My best friend Dan, who knew nothing about my sexual issues and who had moved to Alaska a couple of years before, was flying down to Detroit to go to the conference with me.

I was pretty miserable the whole time I was there. On the one hand, I felt hopelessly abandoned by God, but on the other, I knew that what I was hearing and experiencing at Urbana was good and holy.

I said and did all the proper Christian things at Urbana in order to blend in with the crowd, even though I didn’t feel like much of a Christian. On the last day of the conference, I attended a workshop that addressed same-sex attraction. I went with mixed feelings, unsure of what I would find there.

The main point of the seminar was that there was hope for those who had these feelings. The workshop leader told us that the answer did not lie in hiding our feelings, running off, giving up, and giving in to a lifestyle that we knew in our hearts was wrong. In fact, he said something that explicitly addressed the dilemma I was facing: "If you're experiencing these feelings, don't "out" yourself to the gay community and lead a sexually immoral life. "Out" yourself to the Christian community and let the Body of Christ love you and help you deal with these feelings."

I nearly fell out of my chair! There were over 20,000 people at Urbana, and yet, God had a message specifically for me! I felt hope again, and my heart was filled with joy!

I went home and, on January 2 of 2001, did the scariest thing I have ever done in my life: I told my parents about my homosexual inclinations. This was such a huge step of spiritual victory and emotional release for me that I'm afraid I didn't really think about the impact on them. Even though they told me right away that they loved me, at first they had a hard time dealing with this revelation. My mom cried a lot, and my dad got mad at God for quite awhile. He told God, "I know You didn't make my son gay, but You could have stopped it!" They accepted it, eventually, but no wonder people want to avoid talking about these things with their families!

I knew I needed to get back into church, and began attending an Evangelical Southern Baptist church near my home. I didn't want to hide anything any longer, so I told my pastor and Sunday School class about my orientation and sexual struggles. Everyone took it quite well, and nobody condemned me nor was anyone freaked out even though I was still struggling with chastity and failing a lot.

I also attended an Evangelical-Christian support group called ' Reconciliation Ministries', which dealt with same-sex attraction, but they held to the view that if your orientation did not change, you weren't doing something right.

I attended both the Baptist Church and the support group regularly, and kept learning more about the Christian faith. I started a new job and began speaking with a co-worker, Michael Chesley, who was in formation at Sacred Heart Major Seminary for the permanent deaconate. We began sharing our faith, and he gave me literature about the Church after I expressed an interest in Catholicism. I eventually decided to convert, and, as stated before, was received into the Church on the Easter Vigil of 2004.

I'd heard about Courage through a friend at the Evangelical support group, and when I joined the Church, I looked for a Courage chapter near me.

At this point, I was under the impression that the Catholic Church held to the same position that the support group did, namely that my orientation had to change. I was worried because I had been trying for several years now to become heterosexual, and it wasn't working.

When I learned the Church's teaching on homosexuality, it was a great comfort to me. The Church tells me I might not change, but that's okay; change is not a requirement. The Church realizes that the human condition is complicated. There are many reasons for one having a same-sex attraction, and the Church leaves it up to science and medicine to figure out why. I'm called to follow Christ, and, like every other single, unmarried man, live a life of chaste celibacy. The Church tells us that no matter what our sexual inclinations are, we are all made in God's image and likeness and can all grow in holiness. The Church offers me forgiveness when I sin, and hope in God's grace and mercy. She tells me I am not worthless and abandoned, but that God loves me with an everlasting love. I joined the Church because I was convinced that the doctrines of the Church are true in theological matters, but never expected to find the peace of mind and heart I now have because of what the Church teaches about human sexuality! Praised be Jesus Christ!

I want to encourage you to let people know about the Courage Apostolate. If people come to you who are same-sex attracted, especially if they feel like I did—hopeless, worthless, rejected—let them know they will find love and support at Courage. Don't be afraid to tell them what the Church teaches about sexuality: there is peace and joy and healing and life in the truth! And please let them know how much God loves them. Let them know they are dear to His heart. Let them know that God loved them so much, that He gave His only-begotten Son so that they might not perish but have everlasting life.

You do so much for the people of God already, but I do ask that you do this one thing more: support Courage in this diocese. Tell people about it. People need to hear this message. People are waiting to hear this message.

Thank you all, again, for your faithfulness as Catholics, for your ministry to the people of God, and for listening to my story. God be with you.

Today We Remember...

Today, We Remember…


I still remember vividly the attacks of September 11, 2001. I was at work, not listening to NPR, or any radio show/station, which was very unusual for me at that time of day. Someone from the office came out into the warehouse and told us about the first plane hit. I didn't realize even then how serious the situation was, and delayed turning on the radio until the second plane hit. I don't remember which came first, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania or the Pentagon attack, but I called my mom after they both occurred. She was still sleeping at the time. After she said "Hello", I told her what was happening and to turn on the television. I kept listening to the radio all day. My dad went home from his job to be with my mom, and my sister and her three children went over there, too. I wish I had joined them, but nobody from my workplace went home, and, even though I really wanted to be with my family, I stayed at work, not that we got very much done that day.

I remember thinking, "The World Trade Center is hit, two planes crashed into it and the towers are burning, some people have already died, but they're evacuating and it will turn out okay for most of the people today."

Then the towers fell.

I don't even know how to describe the sinking feeling I got in my gut when that happened. There was a Lutheran church not far from my workplace, so I called their office and asked if they were open for people to come pray. The lady on the phone told me that they had just decided one minute before I called to open the church up for prayer. So I went for a while. When I got back to the warehouse, my boss told me he was surprised that I came back. I'm not sure why my co-workers were not as affected as I was by what happened, but it hit me hard. My boss took it better than any of us did, but he'd spent twenty years in the navy and had been in combat. Some of my co-workers, and I must admit that I'm still somewhat upset over this, decided that their news source for the day was Howard Stern!

Many Christians, myself included, hoped that America would wake up and turn back to God, but that didn't really happen. Many New Yorkers have been affected and have re-prioritized their lives, concentrating more on God, friends, and family, but there wasn't a wide-spread spiritual renewal in that city, either. Our churches were packed for only a few weeks.

It seems that God intended through this tragedy, not a loud and general triumphant "revival" for the United States of America, but "the hidden sanctification" of a few souls. Of course, we see only a small portion of what goes on, and we cannot know whom God changed through that event, or for what purpose. Sometimes, it takes a generation or two for God's plan to become evident. I think of Mr. Edward D. Kimball, a Sunday School teacher at Mount Vernon Congregational Church in Boston, Massachusetts, I believe. Mr. Kimball never did any thing "extraordinary" in his life, but one day he led D.L. Moody to Christ. And look at Louie and Zélie Martin – ordinary Christian parents who gave birth to a Saint (and whose cause for sainthood is being explored). Perhaps something like that will come from the 9/11 tragedy. Who knows?

In the meantime, let us pray for the United States.

O God, I ask, in the Holy and Powerful Name of Your Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, that You will bless America by bringing the Christians in Her to repentance for our sins. May we reject and renounce the materialism in our lives, the selfishness, greed, and gluttony with which we fill our days. May we seek to know and love You, and seek to know and love our neighbors, and welcome them into Your family. May we remember that true riches are found in virtuous lives lived for Your glory, and that the riches of this world are given to our stewardship to further Your kingdom. And that even being good stewards builds Your kingdom. May we live courageous lives of charity and chastity in the public square, and, lest people think that we are so great and not You, may we be unafraid to speak of Jesus, His death, burial, and resurrection, what He means to us, how He changes us, how He loves u, and how He loves our fellow-citizens.

As we approach this election, may You guide our hearts and minds that we may vote for people and policies that are in accord with Your eternal and unchanging law. And may we remember that our hope does not lie in who our President is and which political party controls the Congress and what judges are on the Supreme Court, but our hope is in Jesus Christ and in Your promises to us through Him. May we remember that, in addition to voting into government men and women of character and integrity who will support the passing of good laws, that we must serve our family, friends, and neighbors. May we remember that it is more important for us to support crisis pregnancy centers than it is to protest public funding of Planned Parenthood. May we remember that is more important to befriend the men at the gay bar down the street than it is to boycott companies with domestic partner policies. May we remember that it is more important to visit the abandoned persons in nursing homes than it is to ensure adequate government oversight of the facilities they live in. May we remember that people are much more important than politics (but may we never forget that politics is important, too).

As we pray for America, asking that Your kingdom be furthered in Her, may we remember that Your kingdom will last for ever, whereas our nation will endure but for a time. May we remember that Your kingdom transcends all earthly kingdoms, and may we therefore pray for all people in all nations on earth. May we remember our brethren in Iraq who suffer at the hands of the Muslim majority of their country because of their witness to You. May we remember that Iraqi Muslims are not our enemy, but are prisoners of war; indeed, prisoners of THE Enemy, casualties in THE War. May we remember those who are oppressed by wicked rulers, those who are exploited by uncaring employers, those who are slaves, those women and children subjugated by the sex industry, those suffering from AIDS and other incurable diseases, any person who is in any situation that makes it difficult for them to believe that a good God exists. And, as we fight oppression, exploitation, slavery, the sex trade, disease, and darkness, may we remember, once more, that those who are guilty of these crimes are prisoners of THE Enemy and casualties of THE War. And may we remember that the darkness and evil in their hearts is in ours, too.

O God, fill us with Your love and grace that we may be concerned with Your glory. Change us that we may be fit instruments to spread Your kingdom. May Your Spirit fill us over and over, again and again because we are leaky vessels. May we love and respect and cherish Your Name, and may our hearts be consumed by You.

Amen.

To those of you whom I met at the Courage Conference:

Welcome to my blog!

I was on vacation last week, and what a great vacation it was!

I spent Wednesday and Thursday visiting a religious order I'm looking into, and finished out the week with the annual Courage Conference on Friday through Sunday. I want to write about both experiences, but for now I'm only going to give highlights:

The religious order is the Oblates of Saint Joseph. I visited the Pennsylvania Province. When I first contacted Father Paul McDonnell, he sent me a little booklet entitled Perpetual Novena in Honor of Saint Joseph and Saint Joseph Marello. In the Pennsylvania Province (I don't know about the California Province), the novena is held every Wednesday evening, and it has pretty good attendance. Ever since Father Paul sent me that little booklet, I've wanted to pray the novena with the community there, and was finally able to do so during my trip. Also, every first Thursday of the month, the Oblates hold a Holy Hour for vocations. This last Thursday was the first Thursday of August, and so I was able to participate in that, too! Whenever you get a chance to go before the Blessed Sacrament, do it!

The Courage conference was from Thursday, August 7 to Sunday, August 10. My original plan had been to visit the Oblates from Tuesday afternoon to Thursday morning, making the full conference, but my car gave me trouble on Tuesday morning. Hence, I got to the conference on Friday morning, just at the end of the first session.

Highlights of the conference:

Meeting J. Frank Pate of And Also With You! He and I were becoming friends before the conference thanks to e-mail, phone conversations, and each others' blogs, but meeting in person rather cemented our friendship, I think. I wish we'd had more one-on-one time together, as we'd planned to spend some prayer time together, but weren't able to accomplish it.

On the last day of the conference I spoke with Father John Harvey, the founder of Courage. He retired recently; his 90th birthday was inApril. I hope I wasn't rude, but I told him he'd probably be getting to Heaven before I do (if I make it--dear readers, let us pray for one another!), and asked him to pray for me there. He said he would. On an impulse, I asked him if I could hug him, he said "Of course" and then said, "Here, I'll give you a blessing now," at which point he placed his hand on my head and called for God's blessing on me and my loved ones.

I met some great people at the conference, heard some great talks, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The Men's Courage meetings were the two best workshops. During the first one, we had a meditation on the Stations of the Cross adapted to the trials of men bearing the cross of SSA. At the time, it didn't move me, but as the days wore on, it grew on me. I have a copy of them and have the permission of their author to post them on my blog, which I will do so over the next few weeks or months.

One of the workshops was "Releasing the Gifts of the Holy Spirit". It was about the gifts of the Holy Spirit and asking Him to give His gifts to you. One of the exercises was writing letters to Jesus telling Him how you feel about knowing Him better, His healing in your life, and helping other people know Him better. This was awesome, and I think letter writing will become part of my devotional life again (I used to do this as a teenager).

The great thing of the conference was meeting everyone I was able to meet! There's a Star Trek novel, the name of which escapes me, wherein the Enterprise visits a planet with a global transporter network. In the novel, it takes something like 30 seconds to travel anywhere else on the planet. I would love to have such a thing so we could all visit each other. Oh well.

There's more to write about, but I'm sleepy! It's 1:25pm which makes it 3 hours past my bedtime! Good night!

The Story of How Mr. and Mrs. H and I lost contact...

...and Found Each Other Again after Several Years.

Mr. and Mrs. H and I used to attend the same church, the charismatic one I left because of the heresy being taught there. (In fact, I'll name it: Detroit World Outreach. It's under new leadership now, although it still teaches that Prosperity Gospel crap*, see point 10.) They left a year or two before I did. I'm not sure why. I probably should have asked them about that before I started this post. Like me, they were still Evangelicals for a few years after leaving DWO.

The church definitely had its problems with incorrect doctrine, but many of the smaller groups felt like family. For example, Mr. and Mrs. H. and I were involved in the College-and-Career ministry for a few years. And the C-n-C was indeed like a family. We worshipped together, served each other, ministered with each other, loved and discipled each other, and some of us even lived with each other: three other guys from the group and I rented a four bedroom house, and lots of people in the group were roommates in other places.

Mr. H. and I were pretty good friends. He and I are both of an intellectual bent, so it was good for us to be around each other: when we're together, neither one of us can pretend to be smarter than we really are. I was anti-Catholic in your typical Fundamentalist/Evangelical way, and Mr. H. was, too, but a bit more vehement in his anti-Catholicism.

So, after Mr. and Mrs. H. left DWO, we lost contact for several years. We both changed jobs, and went on with life. I left DWO, moved in with a friend from that church, and then lost my job. I was living paycheck-to-paycheck at the time (heck, I'm still doing that!), and so moved back in with my parents. I got a job with SYSCO Food Services of Detroit, and, for a few short weeks, was on the afternoon shift. I'd get up around 10am every day. One day I did so, and went to a Mexican restaurant within walking distance of my parents' for breakfast, (I don't like traditional breakfast foods). Mr. H. just "happened" to be working in that city and driving by the restaurant at the time that I was leaving it to walk home. He followed me there, rang the doorbell, and was I surprised and glad to see him! We only had a few minutes, so we exchanged phone numbers and chatted just a bit. He asked me "So, what's new?" Well, this was a mere two or three weeks since I'd decided to join the Catholic Church, so, although I was nervous to tell him about it (because, as stated above, he was more vehemently anti-Catholic than I), I told him about my decision to join the Catholic Church. He reacted exactly opposite what I expected. Instead of his countenance falling and him giving me a lecture on why Catholic teachings are un-Biblical, he got a big grin on his face and said, "Mrs. H. and I are joining the Church, too!" I could have fallen like a lead balloon! I couldn't believe it! We planned to call each other soon, and have a personal visit. We've been re-connected ever since, and they are much better friends to me than I am to them. And I still can't get over how God brought us together again.

*just so you know exactly how I feel about it!

A bit of a confession...

Not of sin, though. Recently I had a discussion with a couple of close friends, a married couple, that inspired this post. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "When I first joined the Catholic Church, I knew very little about the Orthodox Church."

Mr. H. and Mrs. H.*: "We didn't either."

Me: "I've been looking at the Orthodox Church lately, and I gotta tell you, both Churches seem to make equally good claims to being the True Church."

Mr H. immediately responded with some Catholic apologetics, which rather irritated me. They, as stated above, are converts to the Church too. (In fact, I'll tell you, not their story, but the story of how we lost contact with each other and found each other again. That'll be the next post.) As a result, all three of us are serious about the faith, which is why Mr. H. responded the way he did.

Mrs. H. was more gracious--

Mrs. H.: "Are you thinking about converting to the Orthodox?"

Me: "No. Not right now."

Mrs. H. (a little worried): "Would you convert?"

Me: "If I thought it was the True Church, absolutely!"

I'm in a very uncomfortabel position. I cannot make up my mind over which is the True Church. On the positive side of things, this has really energized my prayers for unity! Oh that the Eastern and Western Churches were in full communion with each other! At my current level of understanding, the Catholic Church (CC) has the greatest claim, but the Orthodox Church (OC) comes in at a close, a very close, second. One of the two biggest "issues" I have with the OC is its refusal to acknowledge doctrinal developement. It is very obvious from Church History that doctrine did develope (e.g. the Trinity, Christ's natures, etc.).

The biggest "issue" I have with Orthodoxy is pretty much the same issue I have with Evangelicalism: authority. While still a Protestant, the complete lack of objective authority within Protestantism and its off-shoots convinced me that Protestantism is wrong. Its logical conclusion sets me up as my own little infallible authority while only giving lip-service to the fact that I might be wrong about any given doctrine(s). Orthodoxy does not fall prey to a complete lack of authority, yet I see its authority lacking. As a Protestant looking for truth, the fact that many modern Protestant beliefs contradict matters settled by early Councils struck me as really, really wrong (I hate using that word so much, but it fits). I started learning about Church Councils and could not believe that there's still a Church in existence today that holds Councils! The most recent one ended in the '60s! I'm unsure as to the OC's reasoning as to why it no longer has Ecumenical Councils, but if someone who knows the answer to that reads this blog, I'd very much appreciate it if he or she would provide me with that answer!

As I struggle through this issue, pray with me for unity. Pray for me to know the truth!

And in the meantime, here's one of my favorite Orthodox blogs: Into the Light.

*This is not what I call them. I use the initial here to conceal their identity.

What a busy week and a half!

Yes, my life has been busier than normal, but not because of work! My schedule has changed, and I now have an actual life! I now work Sunday through Thursday from 8:30pm to 5am, except for Monday. Monday's schedule is 10pm to 6:30am. "The midnight shift. Sounds horrible!" you might say, dear reader, but you would be wrong! I am enjoying this shift. It allows me to go to Mass every day! And when the fall semester starts, I can take morning classes at a local community college and still be able to go to Mass every day!

Now that I have a life, I actually have less time to blog and keep up with e-mail :-(

But I'll do my best to keep new things here, at least once a week.

Upcoming topics:

God's Team (a group of Evangelicals in the Detroit metro area from many different churches and para-church organizations who reac out to the Muslim population here).

The Arab-American festival held this past weekend (6/20-6/22).

My parents attending my COURAGE group with me.

A men's group I've joined at a local Evangelical church called Sexual Integrity.

My Muslim friend "Ali" (not his real name).

Portable Professor

Update: For anyone interested in the discontinued Portable Professor series, they are all available under new titles at The Modern Scholar.

I think I may have mentioned previously on this blog a series Barnes & Noble has called the Portable Professor. From the Barnes & Noble web site:

PORTABLE PROFESSOR™ is a series of exciting and informative lectures recorded by some of today's most renowned university and college professors. Each course introduces listeners to fascinating, and sometimes startling, insights into the intellectual forces that shape our understanding of the world. Each package includes 14 riveting lectures presented by notable professors as well as a book-length course guide.

I have four of them. So far I've listened to What Would Socrates Do? The History of Moral Thought and Ethics by Doctor Peter Kreeft, and I'm in the middle of Masterpieces of Western Music: Classics from the Baroque to the Modern by Doctor Jeffrey D. Lependorf. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this series. Ever since high school, philosophy has interested me, but I never really tried to learn it. What Would Socrates Do? has inspired me to finally begin. Not only do I want to learn who taught what and when such-and-such an idea was dreamed up, but I'm interested in the great themes of philosophy. My last post mentioned on in an off-hand way: how is chastity positive, and how is it positively lived out in one's life?

After I finished the lecture, I picked up Philosophy 101 and a copy of Plato's Apology of Socrates. Both Doctor Kreeft's book and Plato's Apology are designed to help one begin being a philosopher. The things I'm learning! Not just about philosphy, but also about Socrates. I hope that when Christ descended to the dead and declared Himself the hope that the righteous dead had been looking for, that Socrates was among those who went to heaven with Him. It seems Socrates really wanted to know the truth. If so, how could he not have followed Truth to heaven? We don;t know for sure, of course, but we can hope.

Doctor Lependorf's Masterpieces of Western Music is very interesting, as well. I've always enjoyed Vivaldi's "Spring" from the Four Seasons, but now that I know a little more about it, it's better! This series is making the music more enjoyable and also teaching me how to pronounce the names of certain works (e.g. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik). Tonight I begin Lecture Seven: How to Make a Piano Sing--Chopin's Nocturne in D-flat. (Yes, it's Saturday and I won't be hanging out with friends. I work from 7pm to 7am [insert sad face here] and so will listen to the lectures.)

After this lecture series, I learn about economics because I have no idea how an economy works. C.S. Lewis apparently didn't either, so I don't feel too bad about that.

New Insights

On Wednesday evening, Father John Riccardo was on the radio. I was making deliveries at the time, so didn't get to hear the entire program. But I did hear something that really got me thinking. Father John related how, on a regular basis, he meets with a group of young adults (how I envy them!). The last time they met, he asked them if they view Christianity primarily as a list of do's and don'ts or as a positive option for their lives. I've been a Christian my whole life. I know the answer I'm supposed to give: positive option, of course. I'm not sure how I apply it to every area of my life, but as regards to my sexuality, I view my faith primarily as restrictive! I was shocked to realize this, but it's true.

The view I have of my faith in Christ as applied to my sexuality is entirely negative. That is, my faith in Christ means I cannot have a boyfriend. I cannot have sex. I cannot look at pornography. I cannot masturbate. Why do I not see chastity as a positive? I need a whole new perspective on this issue, as well as to see people positively applying it in their lives. It doesn't help that our entire culture throws sex at us all the time. We never see in the media people who live chastely. Indeed, we're told that to do so is abnormal. Lack of example does not provide us with an excuse for bad behavior, but it does make it more difficult to know how to live. Anyone else have any thoughts?