Desire of the Everlasting Hills

What a movie! It moves me to pursue chastity ever more faithfully. Honestly, I don't do a very good job of that. I have slacked off terribly in recent years, and allowed lust to master me. One day I hope to be as faithful as Paul, Dan, and Rilene. May it be soon! May God have mercy on me, a sinner, and, through the intercession of St. Joseph the Betrothed, St. Joseph the All-Comely, St. Charles Lwanga, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Augustine of Hippo, and all the saints, may He grant me the grace to live a chaste and celibate life in peace and happiness. And do you, my reading public, also pray for me.

'Desire of the Everlasting Hills is a very well-made documentary, produced by Courage, about the lives of 3 people who experience sexual attractions towards their own sex, and who are seeking to live out Catholic Church teaching on homosexuality in obedience to Jesus Christ. They begin by telling of their early experiences of their sexuality, and tell how they began to live in their twenties and beyond. They discuss what their views on religion were, how they felt about God, their partners, etc. How they began to recognize that their lives were unfulfilling, and how they began to seek peace and answers to their questions in the Catholic Church. Each of them had experience with the Catholic Church, each left, and each came back to Her. Their stories are compelling, and certain of each of their experiences resonate with me. I want to write about this, but I don't have time right now. So let me provide the link, and encourage those who have not yet seen it to do so. It's a little over an hour, and can be viewed for free online.


Desire of the Everlasting Hills

Father John Harvey, the priest who founded Courage, passed away on December 27th.

I love Father Harvey. He was a good man. I miss him. I've cried several times thinking about his death. He signed my Bible at the 2007 Courage Conference. (I'll never get rid of that Bible!)

At the Courage 2008 Conference, he and I had the following conversation:

Me: "Father Harvey. My name is Woodrow. I'm a member of Courage."

Father Harvey (FH): "I'm glad to meet you!"

Me: "Thank you for forming Courage. It has meant a lot to me."

FH: (I don't remember his response to that.)

Me: "Father Harvey, may I give you a hug?"

FH: "Of course you can!"

We embraced.

Me: "Father Harvey, you're probably going to get to Heaven long before I do. I don't ask you to remember my name here on Earth, but remember to pray for Woodrow when you get there."

FH: "I will! I will!"

Then we hugged again.

I trust he is indeed praying for me and for all of us Earth-bound sinners!

Let us pray for the repose of his soul.

"Eternal rest grant unto Father John Harvey, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through Thy mercy, O God, rest in peace. Amen."

If you are a woman in the Atlanta area who is looking for a Courage group...

...check out the Atlanta Women of Courage web site!

Information on Courage is here, and contact info for the Atlanta Women's group is here.

Courage is a Catholic apostolate (evangelicals would use the word "ministry"), but it is open to non-Catholics who are striving to live chaste lives while dealing with same-sex attractions.

It has been a great help to me and to some of my friends (the Catholic SSA ones, of course).

One of my favorite bloggers is back!

Disputed Mutability is back with a powerful post, sharing her experiences of being bullied because of her sexual orientation.

Her blog is great because what she writes often causes me to re-think some of my attitudes and opinions. Before reading this post and the comments, I did not support the Day of Silence. I did not support the Day of Truth, either,* but liked the idea of the the Golden Rule Pledge. Indeed, in the future I will instruct my nieces and nephews to observe the Day of Silence in solidarity with those trying to end the bullying of those with homosexual orientations and to give out the Golden Rule Pledge card.

Now, having said all that, my experiences in school were different in that, while I was bullied, it wasn't because of sexual orientation, but just because the one bully at my elementary school was simply a little thug! He was mostly a problem in the 4th and 5th grades. I went to a new school in 6th grade, and yet another when that school closed down after I graduated 10th grade. The first two schools were Fundamental Baptist schools, while the third was an evangelical school with a fundamentalist twist. I was never bullied because I would never admit to my sexual orientation. This was because homosexuality was always presented to my churchmates, classmates, and me as the most disgusting sin ever! According to the teaching on homosexuality I received, I was gay because I chose to be gay! Although I could not ever remember making this choice, I believed it was true because the people whom I trusted to teach me God's truth were teaching this view of homosexuality to me as God's truth. Since I loved God and yet had a homosexual orientation, I decided not to admit my same-sex attractions to myself. I buried them as best I could, and "bullied" myself in that I loathed myself and felt worthless. I'm learning how to accept myself, but it's rough going! I enjoy reading Disputed Mutability, Dreadnought, Eve Tushnet, and Adventures of a Christian Collegian because they seem to have done quite well at accepting themselves. I learn much from them. Check out their blogs.

Here's my testimony as I gave it to the priests and seminarians of the Diocese of Lansing (I'm working on updating it):

The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction Conference.

Here's the "official" prayer of Courage (corrected for spelling and punctuation) as found on the Courage web site.

Heavenly Father, You sent us Your Son, Jesus. He died for our sins and rose from the dead demonstrating Your immense love for us. You also gave us Your mother Mary to be our mother. Thank You Father for Your love.

Lord, convince us of Your deep love for us, and help us to see the ways that we distance ourselves from You. Guide us towards making amends for these actions. Help us to love You more.

Father, we implore you to bless the Courage Apostolate. Grant them Your protection and guidance. Help them in their ministry to bring Your love, fellowship and direction to those experiencing same-sex attractions.

Please increase the numbers of those willing to bring this important message to those in need, and give them the courage and graces necessary to do so. Lord, so much work has yet to be done in this area. I commit to (express your commitment) for this intention.

Amen.



*I was unaware that it's toned down as of this year. That's good to see!

Yes, Virginia, there is...

...still a blogger at this site. One, however, who stays too busy to post very often!

I break my fast of posts with a link to a much better resource than my own humble* blog: Eve Tushnet's latest at Inside Catholic.

************************************************************************************
The rest of this post doesn't really have anything to do with the above link.
************************************************************************************


One of the main reason's I started this blog was to publicly "talk through" what it means to be "gay" and Catholic. Much to my regret, I've never really used that blog for that purpose, however, partly because I didn't want to be too open about my thoughts and struggles as I learn how to deal with my same-sex attraction. As I've been sharing my story with other people, I've realized how powerful it can be to admit publicly, my sins, my need for accountability, the things that have helped me achieve the small victories I've won, etc.

I've also realized that my public speaking engagements, as well as the things I share with friends on Facebook, necessitate that I tell my family my full story. So far, they know only small parts of it. It's unthinkable that one of my Facebook friends should mention something about my unfortunately-not-yet-non-existant sex life to my parents and sisters who still believe I'm a virgin. Thry deserve to hear the truth from me, not from somebody who has heard me speak!

Perhaps, gentle readers, you will be so kind as to pray for the following:

1) that God will give me the courage to speak soon to my parents and siblings about this hidden (from them) part of my life;

2) that God will give me the grace to know what to say, how to say it, and that He will enable me to say it well, with charity^, grace, and humility;

3) that God will prepare their hearts to hear this shameful news that I have to tell them;

4) that somehow we will grow closer as a family, and that we will grow close as a Christian** family as a result of my openness with them.




*Humble, not as in the virtue of humility, but as in Merriam Webster's third definition of the word.

^I ask for charity because when I first outed myself to them, I didn't think about their feelings; my only concern was to unburden myself!

**We are all professing Christians, but some in my immediate family have separated themselves as far as they are able from all that would do them good. Pray for us!

The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction Conference...

...went very well on Friday and Saturday!

We had about 40 clergy on Friday and about the same number of laity on Saturday, including a few of my friends who came for moral support. I was very glad to see them.

I learned something about myself at the conference: I enjoy public speaking! And I seem to be good at it! Up till now, the only talent I knew I had was reading, which is kind of a useless skill in that one cannot really serve other people just by reading lots of books. Now I know I can do something else that can affect other people. Giving my testimony was fun, and I still can't believe how much I enjoyed it.

The best part was my opening on clergy day because I got to thank them for all they do for us. It was good to be able to be a blessing to them.




I would first like to thank His Excellency Bishop Boyea, Catholic Charities, and particularly Rory Hoipkemeier, for giving me this opportunity to share my story with you this afternoon.

While my primary purpose here is to share with you my testimony and some of what Courage has meant for me, I cannot pass up this chance to express thanks to you for two things. I've never before been able to speak to a large group of Catholics, let alone clergy, and I must do this while I have the opportunity.

First: I thank you as fellow Catholics. I'm a convert to Catholicism, received at the Easter Vigil of 2004, and am grateful for your faithfulness to the Church, preserving the Church through the years, so that She was there for me when I was ready to join Her.

Second: I wish to thank you as clergy, for giving your lives to Christ and His Church, serving the people of God in this most special way. You probably hear more complaints from the laity than anything else, and don't hear thanks from us often enough, but we do thank you. We need you and we love you. We appreciate all you do for us.

Seminarians, thank you for taking time to discern whether or not God is calling you to Holy Orders. We're grateful for your willingness to stop and listen to what the Spirit is saying to you, and we're praying for you during your discernment.

There may be some here who are suspicious of, or who do not support the Courage Apostolate, its goals, or its message. There may be some here who don't know what Courage is, or only have vague ideas of its mission. I'm pleased to explain what Courage is and what it means to its members. As stated on the Courage website:

"Courage is an apostolate of the Roman Catholic Church that ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. It has been endorsed by the Pontifical Council for the Family and our beloved John Paul II said of this ministry, 'Courage is doing the work of God!' Courage also has an outreach called Encourage which ministers to relatives and friends of persons with same-sex attractions.

"Courage has five goals which were created by the members themselves, when the apostolate was founded. Each member is called to practice them in daily life.

1) Live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality. (Chastity)
2) Dedicate one's life to Christ through service to others, spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist. (Prayer and Dedication)
3) Foster a spirit of fellowship in which all may share thoughts and experiences, and so ensure that no one will have to face the problems of homosexuality alone. (Fellowship)
4) Be mindful of the truth that chaste friendships are not only possible but necessary in a chaste Christian life and in doing so provide encouragement to one another in forming and sustaining them. (Support)
5) Live lives that may serve as good examples to others. (Good Example)"

Courage member David Morrison wrote a book called Beyond Gay, in which he listed some things that Courage is not.

" Courage is not an orientation change group. Courage does not require anyone coming to its meetings or getting support to commit to diminishing [his or her] same-sex attraction or changing it to a more heterosexual focus. If individual members wish to try such a course their Courage groups will support them, but it's not a requirement.

"Courage is not an organization of perfectionists! The first men that Father Harvey helped to form Courage did not do so to create a society of the folks who had already made it. Courage members are not required to be living chastely when they arrive[,] and some may never arrive at that point. All Courage requires is that its members commits to trying to live the goals. The goals are goals, after all, things people aim toward and for. They are not grades for work already done.

" Courage is not 'rigid'. Courage is faithful to the teaching of the Catholic Church, but Courage is not only about living chastely. Courage is about becoming better Christians. Courage is about growth, integration, and joy and about using the teaching of the Church to help get there.

"Courage is not anti-gay. In fact, Courage is not particularly anti-anything in the sense of feeling the need to denounce things or continually address the 'issue' of same-sex attraction. Courage remains intensely personal. Members have included former gay activists and married men for whom the support groups for whom the support groups are the only people on earth who know their struggle to live chastely. It is true that Courage is about choices, and in that sense one course of action has to win out over another. Encouraging members to choose Mass or prayer over gay bars and one-night-stands might be seen by some as 'anti-gay', but it's not as though, in an abstract sense, Courage formally goes out and denounces patrons of gay bars or people who have one night stands."

I want you to know that I don't stand before you as the poster-child of Courage. I'm one of those trying to live the goals, and identify more with what Courage is not than with what it is. I have many failings with chastity and need to go to Confession often. My heart still repeats after Saint Augustine, "Lord, make me chaste, but not yet." The Courage Apostolate and the teaching of the Church have helped me face both my sexual sin and my sexuality, and to face them with hope, knowing that God loves me.

My story begins with my parents who became committed Christians shortly before I was born, during the Jesus Movement in the 70s. They attended a small Fundamental, Baptist church because that's where their friends went. They sacrificed to send my sisters and me to private, Baptist schools, and until my junior year of high school, I'd never met another Christian who was not Baptist, and I was shocked at how many non-Baptist Christians there were!

My pastors and the private school and Sunday school teachers would sometimes tell us about other Christians and what they believed, but, as I learned later, they gave us a lot of misinformation, especially regarding Pentecostals and the Catholic Church.

Nevertheless, in this environment, I came to faith in Christ at a very young age. One day, when I was four years old, I was playing with my toys in my bedroom, thinking about what my parents told me about Jesus, and I decided I wanted to ask Him into my heart. So I got up, walked over to the bathroom door (because my dad was in there), knocked, and said, "Daddy, I want to ask Jesus into my heart!" My dad said, "Right now!?" I said "Yes", so he opened the door, let me in, asked me some questions to see if I understood what I was doing, then, while he was still sitting on the toilet, he led me in a prayer asking Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to come live in my heart. I was baptized, in a baptismal font, a few months later.

From the beginning, I loved Jesus! And my faith in Him grew. But in my early teen years, my faith began to stagnate, until, at the age of sixteen, I went to summer camp with my church and the Lord touched me there. I saw my faith in a whole new way, and fell in love with Christ all over again.

At this point I should mention that the Fundamental Baptists taught me that those who experience homosexual attractions choose to be this way. There was no understanding of the psychological dimension or other possible causes for it. Because of this worldview of homosexuality, even though I had same-sex attractions from the beginning of my puberty, I wouldn't acknowledge these feelings and so buried them. However, we know all too well, that doesn’t work for very long! I never told my friends or family about these feelings, and when I got my own car and was able to go anywhere I wanted, all my suppressed feelings and buried sexual desires came out.

My first sexual experience with another person was at 19. I wasn't very promiscuous to begin with; I'd have anonymous sexual encounters a few times a year, picking up guys at various places gay men were known to cruise.

This pattern went on for about seven years, and I had more sexual encounters and had them more often. I felt torn in two different directions. My faith life was best described as up and down. When I spent time with my Christian friends, I would feel encouraged and loved. Other times I felt isolated, discouraged, and rejected by God.

By the end of the year 2000, my discouragement and disappointment in myself made me feel like a failure. I stopped going to church, reading the Bible, or even praying. I really didn't want anything to do with God. I thought He saw me as worthless, and I felt abandoned.

I made plans to move across the country, away from my family and Christian friends, and start a whole new life, becoming part of the gay scene, making gay friends, and openly living a lifestyle that was contrary to my faith.

From my late teens until about this point, I had wanted to be a missionary. I dreamed of taking the Gospel to tribes that had never heard it before. The only thing that stopped me from moving across the country was that I had been telling my friends since early '97 about a missions conference that I planned to attend in late December of 2000. InterVarsity Christian Fellowship holds this conference every three years. It's called Urbana. My best friend Dan, who knew nothing about my sexual issues and who had moved to Alaska a couple of years before, was flying down to Detroit to go to the conference with me.

I was pretty miserable the whole time I was there. On the one hand, I felt hopelessly abandoned by God, but on the other, I knew that what I was hearing and experiencing at Urbana was good and holy.

I said and did all the proper Christian things at Urbana in order to blend in with the crowd, even though I didn’t feel like much of a Christian. On the last day of the conference, I attended a workshop that addressed same-sex attraction. I went with mixed feelings, unsure of what I would find there.

The main point of the seminar was that there was hope for those who had these feelings. The workshop leader told us that the answer did not lie in hiding our feelings, running off, giving up, and giving in to a lifestyle that we knew in our hearts was wrong. In fact, he said something that explicitly addressed the dilemma I was facing: "If you're experiencing these feelings, don't "out" yourself to the gay community and lead a sexually immoral life. "Out" yourself to the Christian community and let the Body of Christ love you and help you deal with these feelings."

I nearly fell out of my chair! There were over 20,000 people at Urbana, and yet, God had a message specifically for me! I felt hope again, and my heart was filled with joy!

I went home and, on January 2 of 2001, did the scariest thing I have ever done in my life: I told my parents about my homosexual inclinations. This was such a huge step of spiritual victory and emotional release for me that I'm afraid I didn't really think about the impact on them. Even though they told me right away that they loved me, at first they had a hard time dealing with this revelation. My mom cried a lot, and my dad got mad at God for quite awhile. He told God, "I know You didn't make my son gay, but You could have stopped it!" They accepted it, eventually, but no wonder people want to avoid talking about these things with their families!

I knew I needed to get back into church, and began attending an Evangelical Southern Baptist church near my home. I didn't want to hide anything any longer, so I told my pastor and Sunday School class about my orientation and sexual struggles. Everyone took it quite well, and nobody condemned me nor was anyone freaked out even though I was still struggling with chastity and failing a lot.

I also attended an Evangelical-Christian support group called ' Reconciliation Ministries', which dealt with same-sex attraction, but they held to the view that if your orientation did not change, you weren't doing something right.

I attended both the Baptist Church and the support group regularly, and kept learning more about the Christian faith. I started a new job and began speaking with a co-worker, Michael Chesley, who was in formation at Sacred Heart Major Seminary for the permanent deaconate. We began sharing our faith, and he gave me literature about the Church after I expressed an interest in Catholicism. I eventually decided to convert, and, as stated before, was received into the Church on the Easter Vigil of 2004.

I'd heard about Courage through a friend at the Evangelical support group, and when I joined the Church, I looked for a Courage chapter near me.

At this point, I was under the impression that the Catholic Church held to the same position that the support group did, namely that my orientation had to change. I was worried because I had been trying for several years now to become heterosexual, and it wasn't working.

When I learned the Church's teaching on homosexuality, it was a great comfort to me. The Church tells me I might not change, but that's okay; change is not a requirement. The Church realizes that the human condition is complicated. There are many reasons for one having a same-sex attraction, and the Church leaves it up to science and medicine to figure out why. I'm called to follow Christ, and, like every other single, unmarried man, live a life of chaste celibacy. The Church tells us that no matter what our sexual inclinations are, we are all made in God's image and likeness and can all grow in holiness. The Church offers me forgiveness when I sin, and hope in God's grace and mercy. She tells me I am not worthless and abandoned, but that God loves me with an everlasting love. I joined the Church because I was convinced that the doctrines of the Church are true in theological matters, but never expected to find the peace of mind and heart I now have because of what the Church teaches about human sexuality! Praised be Jesus Christ!

I want to encourage you to let people know about the Courage Apostolate. If people come to you who are same-sex attracted, especially if they feel like I did—hopeless, worthless, rejected—let them know they will find love and support at Courage. Don't be afraid to tell them what the Church teaches about sexuality: there is peace and joy and healing and life in the truth! And please let them know how much God loves them. Let them know they are dear to His heart. Let them know that God loved them so much, that He gave His only-begotten Son so that they might not perish but have everlasting life.

You do so much for the people of God already, but I do ask that you do this one thing more: support Courage in this diocese. Tell people about it. People need to hear this message. People are waiting to hear this message.

Thank you all, again, for your faithfulness as Catholics, for your ministry to the people of God, and for listening to my story. God be with you.

You are Belatedly but Cordially Invited...

The Life Justice Ministry

and

Departments of Catholic Charities and Formation

of the

Diocese of Lansing Michigan

present

"The Realities of Same-Sex Attraction"

Friday, October 24 (clergy only)

and

Saturday, October 25 (everyone welcome).

10:00am to 3:00pm

at

St. Joseph Parish, Howell, MI.

Presenters:

Richard Fitzgibbons, MD, PC

Director, Comprehensive Counseling Services, PA

International Institute of Forgiveness, WI

and

Rev. Paul Check

Diocese of Bridgeport, CT

Director of Courage

Lunch Provided, RSVP Required.

Contact:

Catholic Charities

(517) 342-2465

or

lkolanowski@dioceseoflansing.org

Yours truly will be sharing his testimony as a memeber of Courage. It's my first public speaking engagement. It's a little frightening!

To those of you whom I met at the Courage Conference:

Welcome to my blog!

I was on vacation last week, and what a great vacation it was!

I spent Wednesday and Thursday visiting a religious order I'm looking into, and finished out the week with the annual Courage Conference on Friday through Sunday. I want to write about both experiences, but for now I'm only going to give highlights:

The religious order is the Oblates of Saint Joseph. I visited the Pennsylvania Province. When I first contacted Father Paul McDonnell, he sent me a little booklet entitled Perpetual Novena in Honor of Saint Joseph and Saint Joseph Marello. In the Pennsylvania Province (I don't know about the California Province), the novena is held every Wednesday evening, and it has pretty good attendance. Ever since Father Paul sent me that little booklet, I've wanted to pray the novena with the community there, and was finally able to do so during my trip. Also, every first Thursday of the month, the Oblates hold a Holy Hour for vocations. This last Thursday was the first Thursday of August, and so I was able to participate in that, too! Whenever you get a chance to go before the Blessed Sacrament, do it!

The Courage conference was from Thursday, August 7 to Sunday, August 10. My original plan had been to visit the Oblates from Tuesday afternoon to Thursday morning, making the full conference, but my car gave me trouble on Tuesday morning. Hence, I got to the conference on Friday morning, just at the end of the first session.

Highlights of the conference:

Meeting J. Frank Pate of And Also With You! He and I were becoming friends before the conference thanks to e-mail, phone conversations, and each others' blogs, but meeting in person rather cemented our friendship, I think. I wish we'd had more one-on-one time together, as we'd planned to spend some prayer time together, but weren't able to accomplish it.

On the last day of the conference I spoke with Father John Harvey, the founder of Courage. He retired recently; his 90th birthday was inApril. I hope I wasn't rude, but I told him he'd probably be getting to Heaven before I do (if I make it--dear readers, let us pray for one another!), and asked him to pray for me there. He said he would. On an impulse, I asked him if I could hug him, he said "Of course" and then said, "Here, I'll give you a blessing now," at which point he placed his hand on my head and called for God's blessing on me and my loved ones.

I met some great people at the conference, heard some great talks, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The Men's Courage meetings were the two best workshops. During the first one, we had a meditation on the Stations of the Cross adapted to the trials of men bearing the cross of SSA. At the time, it didn't move me, but as the days wore on, it grew on me. I have a copy of them and have the permission of their author to post them on my blog, which I will do so over the next few weeks or months.

One of the workshops was "Releasing the Gifts of the Holy Spirit". It was about the gifts of the Holy Spirit and asking Him to give His gifts to you. One of the exercises was writing letters to Jesus telling Him how you feel about knowing Him better, His healing in your life, and helping other people know Him better. This was awesome, and I think letter writing will become part of my devotional life again (I used to do this as a teenager).

The great thing of the conference was meeting everyone I was able to meet! There's a Star Trek novel, the name of which escapes me, wherein the Enterprise visits a planet with a global transporter network. In the novel, it takes something like 30 seconds to travel anywhere else on the planet. I would love to have such a thing so we could all visit each other. Oh well.

There's more to write about, but I'm sleepy! It's 1:25pm which makes it 3 hours past my bedtime! Good night!