Warning: High Rambling Alert!

Do you ever have crises of faith? I do, every three or four months. This has been going on since late '99. I was 24. Although I'm not sure I should call them crises of faith. This is the first time I've ever tried clarifying what I'm going through, so forgive me for rambling. Sometimes I read things by critics of Christianity or by people who are skeptical of all religious belief and I worry that they may be right. But I'm not sure I really doubt that Christianity is true. Maybe I just worry because I don't think my faith is entirely rational but believe it should be. Maybe I worry because I can't explain it rationally; that is, I cannot quote facts that disprove some of the critics' assertions. And I cannot quote facts because I don't know what criteria historians use to verify the truth of an historical claim or what criteria scientists use to determine the truth of a scientific claim, etc. It bothers me that I cannot do this. Maybe I worry too much about the skeptics. After all, I don’t really know any personally. That worries me too. As a Christian, shouldn't I know and hang out with non-Christians? I've been isolated in the Fundamentalist- and Evangelical-Christian subcultures my entire life. Even after joining the Catholic Church I'm still surrounded mostly by Evangelical Christians. I don't have any friends who are not Christians. No Muslim, Hindu, agnostic, Jewish, etc. friends to challenge my faith, make me think through what I believe and why I believe it. My Christian friends don't do this either, in spite of the fact that they're all Evangelicals and I'm the only Catholic among them. My roommate can be especially frustrating in this respect. Every time I ask him a question about the Christian faith, any question, even about things we'd both agree on, I get a negative response. For example, one day I was talking about Hebrews 13:3: "Remember those who are in prison, as though you were in prison with them; those who are being tortured, as though you yourselves were being tortured." (NRSV) For awhile now I've thought about doing practical things to help myself remember Christians who are persecuted for their faith, but I have no ideas. I asked my friends, my roommate among them, if they had any thoughts. My roommate only said, "I don't know, but God doesn't want you to go around hurting yourself." Well, duh! But instead of telling me what I (obviously) should not do, how about suggesting "You could fast lunch on Tuesdays so your hunger pains will remind you to pray for them, and then you could give the money you'd save by not eating to Open Doors or Amnesty International." (Actually, he'd never suggest I give money to a secular organization.) Another example: He believes Bible teachers should not exist; somehow they're un-Biblical. I asked him how he understands Ephesians 4:11, 12: "And He [Jesus] gave some to be apostles, and some prophets, and some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the perfecting of the saints for the work of the ministry, and for the edifying of the body of Christ…" (TMB) Teacher is an office specifically mentioned. His response: "I've prayed about that and I've come to the conclusion that they're not supposed to teach people where they're [the teachers] at spiritually." Third example: "Where did we get the Bible?" Roommate's response: "The church did not produce the Bible!" Note the negatives: 1) Heb. 13:3-remembering suffering Christians consists of not hurting oneself; Eph. 4:11, 12-teaching means not teaching; Bible's origin-not produced by the church.

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. To reiterate: it bothers me that I don’t hang out with non-Christians (or even so-called "liberal" Christians).

Another concern: I don't spend enough time with people. My job keeps me pretty busy. For example, since November 1, I have worked 123.43 hours. I'll put in another eight hours minimum tomorrow, followed by Saturday in which I'll be on-call for 24 hours with the potential to work that many with a chance of some more hours spilling over into Sunday's morning time. How do I fit a social life in with a schedule like this?

Okay. Here's another crisis issue: I wonder if I have faith. As a Protestant, I never understood what faith is. As a Catholic, I think I may be starting to understand what faith is. I find that I can't really disbelieve in God, even if I try. I believe in God. I have faith on that point: God exists (although I do sometimes doubt it). But do I have faith in God? That is, do I trust Him? Do I believe in His mercy towards me? I used to know God, when I was a teenager. I really did. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm not done addressing this crisis yet, but I want to post this right now. So here goes.