High rambling alert!
I don't have it all together. I have times of intense commitment to a chaste lifestyle, and times when I almost throw it away. I'm in one of those "throw it away" cycles, right now.
Two or three weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine (we'll call him Marcus) in which I shared with him my desire to have a boyfriend with whom I can have a chaste relationship (like Jay the "Christian Collegian". Although I'm afraid I would not have the ability to keep such a relationship chaste). He asked me if there's anyone I'm seeing now, or if I had anyone in mind. I told him no, but later I sent him a MySpace message telling him I thought that if he hadn't been married when he lived down here, he and I could have had something together, "something" meaning that we would have been lovers. He agreed. When he lived here, we had a friendship that became sexual, this in spite of the fact that he was married at the time! Shamefully, I committed adultery with him. We would probably have been lovers had he stayed whether he were married or not. (And to add more confusion to this situation: his wife left him for another woman a few years ago. All three of us are a mess!)
He was a fun friend. I really liked him. I also think of him in a sexual way. I want him. I'm afraid that if he lived near me or I near him, I would drop the already-tenuous hold I have on a commitment to chastity and pursue a relationship with him. It scares me that I'm this close to such a grave sin. It scares me that my commitment to chastity is unstable. I want to be chaste. I really do. Until I'm tempted. Or, sometimes, lonely. Then I want to have a lover and loads of sex. I was very encouraged after the COURAGE conference. It energized me, renewed my desire to be a loyal son of the Church and a loyal member of COURAGE. I love this organization! I love the Church! I love Christ! I'm so confused! Is this Romans 7? God help me!
I want to go to Confession on Saturday, but I'm not sure I can because I'm not sure I'm repentant. If I'm not repentant, but I want to be, will the grace of the sacrament make me repentant? Does anyone know what the Church teaches about this? Should I go to Confession soon, or wait for repentance?
I'm in an uncomfortable spot: my head believes the Church teaches truly in all areas of Christian belief and behavior. I'm not sure my heart believes this in regards to sex, but I want it to. If I really believed with conviction that the Church teaches correctly, wouldn't I mend my ways? What does it mean that I keep falling into sin regarding my sexuality? That I don't really believe the Church?
Ravi Zacharias says, and I'm paraphrasing, that an opinion is something you hold, but a conviction is something that holds you. I should (as in "there exists a moral obligation") hold to and live by the conviction that homogenital acts are wrong. Why don’t I? How can I develop convictions? How can I get my heart to believe what my head does? Any thoughts from anyone?
I end with a prayer by Jeremy Taylor because I don't know what else to pray at this point: "Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be without interruption…"
6 comments:
Woodrow,
Just some random thoughts:
I think you're brave.
Yes, this is Romans 7.
You can never go to confession too much.
In the 12-step world, we talk about "I before E," intellect before emotion. I think that is true of faith in general. Faith is not a feeling (Yes, Bill Bright got that right).
Yes, sacramentally speaking, there is grace for going to confession in a state of "attrition" (I know it's wrong, I don't feel it, but I'm mostly just scared of hell) even when not in "contrition" ("but most of all because my sins offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love," as the act of contrition says). One priest told me he thinks he's heard very few contrite confessions, mostly "attrite" (if that's a word). That's scary.
OTOH, if you are feeling drawn to the sacrament, you're being drawn to grace, and that IS repentance, at least the beginning of it.
God's grace in the sacrament is objective; your feelings are not.
Take care,
Frank
Your post reminded me of part of my personal response/review I shared with a friend on “Brokeback Mountain,”
a film which the director repeatedly stated his approach was to film it not as a gay story but as a love story.
In that sense – I told my friend that “Brokeback Mountain” should be seen in tandem with “Same Time Next Year.”
In “Same Time next Year,” we get a romantic comedy of two married people who know they are doing wrong, but continue a decades-long, once-a-year affair which is helpful to them. As audience members traveling through the years with the characters, we are invited to reflect on the complexities of the human person, the diversity of individual situations, and the grace God gives in even less-than-the-most-virtuous situations.
It also encourages a myth/fantasy we may have that, “If only I and one other person could share a secret, passionate relationship. It could be like ‘Same Time Next Year,’ sinful - yes, yet hopefully somehow redeeming.
And then we are confronted with an answer to that personal myth/fantasy in ‘Brokeback Mountain.” For this film puts the lie to that enticing myth. A sinful relationship – is still sinful. It hurts, it damages – the person, the couple, their family situations. Life continues and God grants growth and blessings as the characters live as best they can in responding to the life God gives them. But that growth is in fact hurt by the affair, not enhanced, as the ‘70’s fantasy that might grow from attitudes inspired by, or at least justified by, one’s reflections on ‘Same Time Next Year.”
Frank,
Thanks, I'm going to confession tomorrow. I wish my repentance were longer lived. I may not be living the so-called gay lifestyle, but my heart is certainly caught up with it and I have many falls into sin.
Tom S.,
Thanks, too, and welcome to my blog.
I like Jay a lot, I comment on his blog, too. But I think his situation is very different from ours. I have about 20 years of SSA-related baggage to deal with; you probably have a little less (I'm 37 now). Ironically, he's a little "safer" going into such friendships at this time in his life than we would be at this time in ours. That said, I would never say "never" to a deep, chaste friendship with another "side B" (to use Jay's terminology), even one who became a roommate. I just see it as highly unlikely, and it doesn't serve any purpose to go pining away for it.
Praying for you, Woodrow. If you fall, just get up again and keep going. ie just keep going to confession, praying for help etc.
It's a long haul, this getting holy thing. And guess what, if you ever do get to be much more chaste (and it certainly is possible), God will find other things to fix!! (Some of which are equally serious too.)
Louise, thanks for your prayers. I appreciate them greatly. Yes, chastity is one of the greatest challenges I face right now. At the last COURAGE conference, one of the priests encouraged us to spend much time in prayer because prayer is the key to grace and chastity and to all the virtues. He told us to pray the Mass. And I remember him mentioning that, even if we use formal prayers, we don;t have to feel obligated to stick to the "formula" because this is prayer, not magic. He said we might start praying the rosary and pray 10 Our Fathers, and that's okay; formal prayers are an aid not a "set in stone" way of praying. It was actually a great talk. I should get the CD.
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