But since this is on the web and I don't know the age and sex of the individual(s) reading it...
I've been asking God for a while now to help me know and understand myself better, and to honestly face up to the truth about myself, even if it's painful. God said, "Yes." I'm realizing things about myself I never realized before. And some of it is painful.
I'm realizing that I'm deeply ashamed of myself. This insight came about as I reflected on the fact that I'm very rarely in my own sexual fantasies. My body-image is so bad, that I have to imagine other men having sex with each other! I just realized this today. It's not healthy. You know, a few months ago it occurred to me that one of the reasons, perhaps the primary reason, I lust so much after hot guys is that I'm jealous of their looks. I'm overweight (which I can change but am too lazy to) and, while I'm not ugly, I'm not one of the best looking guys in the world. I've started praying that God will help me like myself, and make the changes that I ought to make for the right reasons; that is, I should lose weight and tone up my body, not for vanity, but because it's healthy.
I'll probably edit and add to this post later. Right now, I'm going to bed.
5 comments:
Well I thought that was a great & honest post. When you know your demons you can work on them. Re the self-esteem bit..regular exercise is very important..the gym..swimming a couple of times a week. Don't worry so much about the weight..it is possible to be more attractive heavier than thin. Re the SSA I have family members struggling with this one..it's not easy..will pray for you & thanks for commenting on my blog..
Woodrow,
I'm not sure every self-disclosure you make here is prudent, but...at the heart of this, there are some very good things. Yes, the envy/jealousy aspect of SSA is huge. And if you can come to terms with that, it's great.
This dovetails with something SheepCat and I have been talking about, in regard to Conrad Baars' books. We all need affirmation, and we can't give it to ourselves. I have long believed that we even need healthy, balanced affirmation about our bodies, even from the same gender, and even guys who don't have SSA need that, too.
I was recently talking to one of my closest friends about body stuff. He has no SSA issues, in fact he generally gets pretty uptight when I try to talk about my junk. But in the course of the conversation, I told him I thought he was handsome. It was just an offhand remark that made sense in the context. He CRIED. He said his wife never told him that. Now, they have massive marriage issues, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. But it struck home how much we need affirmation, including physically-speaking.
A married guy with SSA once told me his wife constantly told him he was good-looking, and he couldn't believe it. I asked him, "who do you think has a healthier perspective about men's bodies, you or her?" He got the point.
Now, the quest for affirmation about body stuff (and other things) is another matter entirely...
Peace,
P8
Thanks to both of you for your comments.
First, to Frank: I'm not sure every self-disclosure I make here is prudent, either. However, I work so many hours and my shift begins so late in the day, that I honestly don't have people to talk to about this stuff very often. My blog is, unfortunately, for now, one of the primary means of communication and socialization I have. This will have to be so until I get out of debt. Or win the lottery (which I never play). Or my rich relatives whom I don't know exist die off and leave everything to me in their will (like in the books).
mrs jackie parks mj, thanks for your prayers. My day usually begins at 12:30pm. This gives me just enough time to shower (I pray in the shower), eat breakfast (I blog sometimes while I'm doing that), brush my teeth, iron my work clothes, and get to work. Today, I got up at 12:20pm, and exercised for ten minutes before work. May the trend continue!
Hey, Woodrow, you're onto something here.
Remember you have something that many of the guys you're envious of don't have: a day-to-day connection with the gift of God's grace. Thankfulness for what you do have goes a long way towards displacing envy and jealousy over what you don't have.
Be kind to yourself over this. It'll take time to work out.
Sheepcat,
Thanks for this. This is something I "know" in my head, but not really in my day-to-day experience. Are you familiar with Madame Blueberry from Veggie-Tales? I think I'm going to learn her song: "A thankful heart is a happy heart..."
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